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10 Surefire Ways To Lose Weight


These are my own personal can’t-miss tips.

Someday I’ll even use them.

(10) Don’t ever have dessert with lunch.

You shouldn’t even have dessert with dinner, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. But with lunch? Nevah! Don’t be obscenely, decadently ridankulous!

(9) Don’t eat french fries. Ever.

French fries come with everything these days because they’re really cheap to mass-produce. But does that mean you have to suck them in all day just because they served them? Nope. Tell yourself they’re the devil and don’t even touch them with gloves on. The pounds will fly off!

(8) Cut your starches in half.

Half the rice, bread, potatoes, and pasta. Yes, they’re all our favorite things, but you don’t have to eliminate them. Just cut them in half. Your chances for a boyfriend or girlfriend will double.

(7) Don’t eat food just because it’s there.

We’ve all ingested a second dinner just because we’re at something where there’s food and it seems impolite to turn it down. But that’s bull. Just say, “I already ate,” and don’t even touch a drop!

(6) Let people grab into your plate.

I always have found that activity horrifyingly gauche and intrusive — I’m an only child — but I might start allowing it because weight loss could result. Grab away, people!

(5) When eating out, skip the appetizer.

The entrée generally comes with a side or two. That should be enough. You don’t also need to preface it with baby artichoke hearts, bruschetta, and chicken fingers. You’ll save money this way, too. Duh.

(4) Don’t stock food in your fridge and cabinets.

Just the very basics. This way, when you’re getting a sugar craving late at night, you’ll be forced to hit the streets to find something and you’ll probably end up just staying put and letting it pass.

(3) Don’t make special “I can pig out” rules for weekends, vacations, and holidays.

Stay disciplined all year. If you’re an alcoholic, you don’t allow yourself to guzzle for Christmas, do you? Exert the same fastidiousness with food.

(2) Never go for real ice cream or soda.

Sure, the fake shit tastes funny, but force yourself to get used to it. Your body will thank you later (unless it gives you cancer).

(1) When one meal is finished, don’t immediately start thinking of the next meal.

That’s a trap that will only lead you down fattie lane. You have so much more to look forward to than just the next batch of food. Stay focused on the good stuff in your life and don’t think of food as your salvation, your escape, your reward.

Enjoy it, mind you — but not that much!

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