I am the perfect talisman to ward off the end of the recession.
Every financial decision I make is a dumb, self-defeating one that contributes to homelessness and poverty — for myself.
First I bought a one-bedroom co-op.
For years people had said, “Why are you renting? You’re throwing money away!”
I wanted to finally have a piece of real estate as a solid investment instead of “throwing dough away” on a silly rental that left me with nothing to show for it.
After all, owning is the way to go in New York, where the values had steadily gone up for years.
You buy it and it goes up.
It’s a can’t-miss situation, a giant “duh”!
Well, five months after I bought the place, there began the biggest real estate slide since the Great Depression.
The joint started plummeting in value — great investment! — and kept going down, down, down, like a hooker on the highway.
But thankfully, things started coming back a little last year — for some people.
Corcoran recently sent out a brochure saying that NYC real estate values improved for everything in 2011 — except for one-bedroom co-ops!
For some reason, they went down another 15 percent.
I’ve “thrown away” shitloads of money!
Then I panicked that a certain bank was going under, so I pulled out a CD from there and paid huge penalties on it. It didn’t go under. It was subsumed by another bank and all’s fine.
And finally, even more recently I closed out a stock-market account, figuring it was at a high and would start going down soon.
I didn’t want to tempt fate or be greedy, and I was thrilled with my perspicaciousness.
Well, the day I closed the account, a staggering five-day Dow Jones climb unforeseen in years started to take over America.
There was finally a big bump in people’s investments, but I had taken mine out the second before I could enjoy it!
Fortunately, I always shopped at 99-cent stores anyway.