Today brings us “Ladies: You’re Not as Good as You Think,” an essay by Esquire writer Chris Jones.
Jones’ not-so-scintillating thesis is basically this: “There is a spectrum of female lovers just as there is of men. The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car.” Others pearls of wisdom include “Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are” and “Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works. It’s nice, too, when you don’t treat our semen like it’s battery acid.” Oh, and us womenfolk shouldn’t feel any self-consciousness about cunnilingus.
Now, it’s very easy to make fun of Jones — and he deserves to get as much shit as he dished. And while Jones is clearly no libidinal luminary, we should still ask: is he right?
Having bedded men and women, I can say with confidence that Jones might be onto something. Generally speaking, female hookups are just like their male counterparts: largely disappointing.
Thing is, the complaints Jones makes against women — that they act lazily in the sack, that they don’t know how their bodies work, that they seem too squeamish toward bodily fluids — are true, but the exact same complaints can be validly made against men (and in equal proportion.)
Fact is, most Americans are too uptight about sex to enjoy it, let alone do it well or explore pleasurable, though non-traditional, activities. Jones wants women to learn how their bodies work, but very vocal elements of American society generally frown upon self-exploration. And the current sexual zeitgeist packs so much guilt and angst and shame (see: slutgate) that it’s not the easygoing, care-free thing it should be.There’s also the problem of pop culture — sex isn’t going to be awesomely explosive every single time, as TV and movies would have you think. A lot of it is boring — if not outright bad — with people you might not be emotionally invested in.
So yes, Jones is partially right: women are bad in bed, but so are men. But Jones is wholly wrong about one thing — ascribing gender to an issue that impacts everyone.
Follow Victoria Bekiempis @vicbekiempis.