With Newsies, Leap of Faith, and Ghost all upon us this season, Broadway is more than ever turning to old flicks to transform into stage dollars.
But which movies haven’t been musicalized for Broadway yet?
Not that many, actually, but I do have some ideas.
Hey, Mr. Producer, next season let’s please have:
*Showgirls the Musical
The underwater sex scene will be magical, especially if the actors are on roller skates and blading through hanging strips of Mylar, like in The Little Mermaid. Fun for the whole family!
*Gigli the Musical
Sara Ramirez and Norbert Leo Butz were born to play the Bennifer roles. And the “gobble gobble” line about the leading lady’s vajayjay can be the cue for a big “Turkey Lurkey Time” number. In fact, this can be a Burt Bacharach jukebox show! Ka-ching.
*Plan Nine From Outer Space.
Low budget! No script necessary! Just some amateur actors stumbling around the stage, with an occasional tin can representing a spaceship. I’ve seen worse — this season alone.
*Glen or Glenda the Musical
Screw Priscilla, to hell with La Cage. This is the real gender-bending spectacular. All you need is a big-shouldered D-list actor who isn’t allergic to angora. Strap the audience in their seats so they can’t leave, and voilà — a hit!
*Mommie Dearest the Musical
This should be a Motown musical, with “No Wire Hangers” to the tune of “Nowhere to Run” and “Tina, Get the Ax” done to “Come See About Me.” Why am I smelling skepticism?
*Titanic the Musical
Yes, I’m fully aware that they did this already — but they didn’t have a happy ending! In the new version, the fat lady will roll to one side of the boat when she slips on a cannoli, and the vehicle will tip to the left and miss the iceberg! The pastry-related finale will top the garlic number from Dance of the Vampires for sheer culinary glee. And the whole thing can be narrated by a Showboat character singing, “Titanic’s comin’!” Bring on the Tony awards.