If you’re on the Internet you might have heard of Klout, a pseudo-scientific way for measuring the slippery ideal of “online influence.” Taking into consideration a variety of factors, it has (despite its often being utterly gameable and as a result off the mark) turned into a way for people online to judge not just each other, but themselves.
Today a variation on Klout, Klouchebag, launched to further fill in the picture drawn by Klout’s algorithms. Dubbing itself “the standard for measuring asshattery online” and putting itself (or, well, its code) on the lookout for people engaging in jerky behavior in the 140-character wild, it judges users’ Twitter feeds on four metrics—”Anger,” “Retweet Abuse,” “Social Apps,” and “English Misuse”—and then figures out just how much of an annoying prat they are accordingly. (Your correspondent’s score of 57 causes her to fall in the “bit of a douchebag” range.) This new, exciting measurement of the always-rampant scourge of online idiocy caused us to wonder: Which musicians with prominent social-media presences are, in actuality, the worst—or at least, worse than their chief rivals using a semi-scientific method? A couple of head-to-head matchups after the jump.
Rihanna vs. Lady Gaga
Is it possible for an artist’s Twitter feed to overshadow their work? In the case of Rihanna, yes, although the crappiness of all the singles off Talk That Talk doesn’t help. How does she do against Lady Gaga, whose “reams of wire stories inspired by single Tweets” throne she seems to have comanded in recent months?
RESULT: @rihanna 71, @ladygaga 35.
Rihanna blows this out of the park because of her overuse of “social apps”—the photo-sharing site Instagram, mostly. If only Klouchebag gave bonus points for inciting cyberbullying…
Das Racist vs. Fake Das Racist
In satire, exacting attention to detail is paramount.
RESULT: @fakedasracist 61, @dasracist 60.
With nearly identical scores on each axis. This, readers, is the mark of a good parody.
Kanye West vs. Taylor Swift
Because it’s hard to not let someone finish when they’re only speaking in 140-character bursts.
RESULT: @taylorswift13 64, @kanyewest 29
The surprising outcome here could be chalked up to the fact that Taylor has the worst misuse of social apps of all time… of all time.
Nicki Minaj vs. Lil Kim
Will Klouchebag’s algorithms reveal which side of this feud really deserves to have dis tracks hurled their way?
RESULT: @nickiminaj 73, @lilkim 51.
Sure, she took a break the social-networking service earlier this week, but Nicki went in the red on three of the four categories—”Anger,” “Retweet Abuse,” and “English Misuse.” If she’d link her account to Foursquare or This Is My Jam, she might be a true innovator.
Noel Gallagher vs. Liam Gallagher
On the Internet, you can force two bruvs in a blood feud to get in your algorithmic ring.
RESULT: @liamgallagher 47, @noelgallagher 10.
Shh, don’t tell the NME that Noel is actually “quite a nice person,” according to Klouchebag’s metric! It’ll blow the whole lid off things.
Azealia Banks vs. Iggy Azalea
Raise your hand if you knew that these two Internet-spawned rappers with similar names were still beefing.
RESULT: @azealiabanks 70, @iggyazalea 36.
Banks scores high on the “retweet abuse” metric, probably because she gets all RT-happy whenever she sees a mention of “212” being played on Radio One. However, as notes that “twitter is not real, neither is your opinion of me,” so perhaps winning in this category is a personal victory for her as well?
Lana Del Rey vs. Horse_Ebooks
On the surface, they look so similar. But how do they fare deep down?
RESULT: @lanadelrey 56, @horse_ebooks 33.
Clearly, LDR needs to get more surreal—or maybe just tweet a sentence fragment once in a while, instead of just alerting her 500,000-plus followers to her travel plans and remixes with her more klouchebaggy colleagues.