Theater archives

Funny Jokes About Getting Old!


At a taping of The Barry Z Show, a group of actors did a scene from a play about hypochondriacs called Sick Bastids, written by Charles Messina.

In the middle of it, an octogenarian barrels out and starts cataloguing some of the most memorable jokes about being old, in order to give the hypochondriacs a lighter moment.

They were:

“How did I become over the hill without getting to the top first?”

“The best thing about Alzheimer’s is you get to meet new people every day.”

“Of all the things I’ve lost, the one I miss the most is my mind.”

“When I get a little action, that means my prune juice is working.”

And: “Death: Life’s way of telling you, ‘You’re fired’.”

Don’t laugh too hard. You’ll croak from a heart attack.

But let me add some of my own old jokes, borrowed from various famous comics. Brace yourselves for hilarity.

“I’m so old that when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.”

“Always be nice to your children because they’re the ones who will choose your rest home.”

“A man is as old as the woman he feels.”

“I’m so old that the only thing I can sink my teeth into is water.”

“I’m so old that when I go out with someone, I can’t take yes for an answer.”

Dead yet?