Snooki’s Gorilla Beach Reportedly Hits Web; We Read The First Chapter (and Survive!)


Is Snooki the Bret Easton Ellis of guidos?

Her novel Gorilla Beach — a Jersey Shore roman a clef, if you will — will hit bookstore shelves May 15. claimed this afternoon to have gotten an exclusive copy of the first chapter, “Like a Slutty Virgin.”

Of course, we had guessed that the book would be filled with smushing and spray tans and muscleheads with tribal tats. We just didn’t guess the, er, depth of Nicole Polizzi’s realism — or that some characters are from Brooklyn!

The book opens with two Caroll Gardens cousins, Giovanna “Gia” Spumanti and Isabella “Bella” Rizzoli.

Right when they get to the shore, the first place they go is a sexcessories boutique to prep for their BFF’s bachelorette party.

One or both of them has body image issues, daddy issues, boyfriend issues, and one or both of them dreams of opening a tanning salon. They buy penis pops and fuzzy pink handcuffs and dream about an island of juicehead servants.

And that’s about it.

That said, there are still some great lines:

–“Her barely holstered boobs popped out of the corset.”

–“Knowing Maria, who gargled with tequila and had been known to grind a lamppost when drunk, the bachelorette party would rock no matter who hosted it.”

–“Their last kiss. No spark. No feeling. It was like kissing a store mannequin.

–“She gave Gia the ‘one meatball short of a hoagie’ look.”

–“Not everyone was born to put on a rubber apron and split atoms in a kitchen with a meat cleaver. some people contributed to the world in a different — no less important– way.”

–“The bride never saw a plunging V-front, skintight, lycra, camo-print jumpsuit she didn’t crush on hard. Her acrylic nails were longer that her fingers. Her pouf defied the laws of gravity.”

–“All shopgirls loved Bella. She was tall and athletic, with perky silicone half-melon boobies.”