As a world traveler who’s gone everywhere from here to Hartford, Connecticut, I can tell you with assurance that such a room would be one that comes equipped with the following odious features:
*A deeply depressing view of a parking garage or an air shaft. Any NYC apartment with such a view sits on the market for decades. I’d rather stare at sick pigeons that look at nothingness or worse, parked cars.
*A freezing level of air conditioning that won’t change no matter how many knobs you turn while screaming and crying. Your tears quickly turn to icicles.
*A shower where the water stays cold for a really long time until you step into it and it suddenly zooms up to 110 degrees. At least you’re not freezing anymore as you survey your third-degree burns.
*Plus it leaks! Hot water is creeping into your bedroom! This is becoming a real life horror movie, and you’re paying for it. A lot.
*A bathroom without a socket anywhere near the mirror. You have to blow someone at the concierge desk for an extension cord just so you can shave.
*A TV that only has your least favorite channels plus straight dirty ones to pay for. For entertainment, you consider staring out at the air shaft.
*A coffee maker that even Einstein couldn’t figure out how to use. You use it as a water pitcher instead. At least they can’t charge you for tap water. Can they?
*Soft, fluffy pillows that your head gets buried in, making it impossible to sleep. You couldn’t anyway, from the burns and the gusts of cold air.
*A maid that starts knocking on your door at 730 AM. Go away, you vicious creature. Some relaxing vacation!
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on May 9, 2012