And I mean ever!!!
*“In this economy…”
Oh, shut up! Bo-ring!
*Girls calling each other “dude.”
That wore out its subversive charm about seven years ago. Just call each other “darling” and get on with it.
*So what’s exciting that’s going on these days?”
Um, the fact that I have a job and I actually get paid to give out information like that.
*“Perishable,” “raw,” “organic,” “whole,” “vegan”
Please! Just eat what’s in front of you! In other countries, they’re ingesting worm-filled dirt and not sitting around wondering if it’s perishable.
*“Join my Kickstarter campaign!”
Sure thing, hon. As soon as you pay my rent.
*You must have a portrait in the attic.”
Not only is that the tiredest of cliches, it implies that I miraculously don’t fully look how ancient I really am. Hush. Go back to your attic.
*You look so thin!”
People were saying this when in actuality I had gained four pounds. Hearing it made me gain three more. I’m now on the way down again, but even if I lose it all, don’t say I look thin. Just smile knowingly.
*Harvesting,” “connecting,” “shepherding,” “trending,” “humanistic”….
Pretentious and soul deadening. Plug it up, dude!
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on May 22, 2012