Put on your condom, your dental dam, your lube, and your thinking cap, and read my latest column–a scintillating diatribe about all the things that make me dislike the sex act.
*I’m no good at it.
*If I were only more versatile, I’d have had twice the opportunities.
*People who have elaborate fetish scenarios don’t always care if it’s your fantasy too. You want to say, “Shouldn’t I get paid for this?”
*You can’t just get someone to pleasure you and shut up. They always want something back, like “Pinch my nipples really hard!” After squeezing for 20 seconds, your fingers get numb and you just want to roll over.
And there are so many other well-made points, ranging from STDs to Catholic guilt–and yes, those are two separate things.
Anyway, enjoy! Then take a long hot shower!
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on May 30, 2012