As the rest of us rolled our eyes in disgust Wednesday when Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced his proposal to ban big-kid cups for sugary drinks like soda, Gawker blogger Drew Magary penned a lengthy “rant” about how upset he is that the media isn’t applauding Bloomberg for treating adults like babies. He thinks the mayor’s proposed ban is just fine because we elected him, and America’s not really a free country, and sometimes we “like being nannied,” and “fatsos” need the government to get them to stop being fatsos, and a collection of other asinine reasons why it’s Bloomberg’s job to play food cop.
And if you’re pissed off the mayor thinks it’s his job to tell you what to eat, according to Magary, you’re a “pussy.”
While Magary may want to be treated like a child and “nannied” by a 70-year-old billionaire, most of us don’t — and there’s a reason for that: we’re fucking adults.
That’s right, the majority of us who are offended that the mayor of New York thinks it’s his job to tell us how to eat are grown ups, which means most of us go to work everyday, pay our bills, and are responsible enough to know that occasionally chugging 64 ounces of what essentially is pure sugar (out of a single container (gasp!)) isn’t the end of the world as long as we balance it out with, say, a brisk walk and a salad for dinner instead of a Big Mac (a concept that’s illustrated wonderfully in the weight-loss book Chubster).
However, Magary wants those of us who have a little self-control — and are capable of deciding what to eat on our own — to “shut the fuck up” and stop hassling Bloomberg for thinking it’s his job to treat the rest of us like babies.
Magary argues that “if you think that a ban on large sodas is somehow an affront to America freedom, I have news for you: You don’t live in a free country.”
His examples of why we don’t live in a completely free country are as follows (from Magary’s “rant”):
You are not free to murder people in America. You are not free to stand in the middle of an intersection and block traffic like an asshole. You do not have the absolute freedom to do anything you want in America, and that’s a good thing, because living somewhere with absolute freedom means you live in fucking Deadwood. There are a million different laws and rules that come with being an American, and we, as a collective, put all those annoying rules in there of our own accord. Democracy doesn’t mean “Hey you, go do whatever the fuck you want.”
Well, no shit — you’re not free to murder people in America, you’re not free to stand in traffic, and you’re not free to “do whatever the fuck you want.” And, yes, there are rules that come with being an American — however, those rules are in place to protect us from each other, not ourselves.
You can’t murder people, or stand in traffic, because it will fuck up the day of another person. If you want to drink yourself to diabetes with sugary beverages, that’s your problem, not ours (yes, we realize fatsos with no insurance will potentially need publicly funded healthcare, which — while annoying — is something we’re willing to put up with if it means we’re not gonna be treated like children).
The part of “being an American” that Magary overlooks is that whole thing about personal responsibility, which means not being an unhealthy slob whose idea of “health food” is the blue-cheese drenched celery that you snack on after wolfing down two dozen chicken wings.
We were children once, and we remember what it’s like to absolutely love soda, Kool-Aid, and all the other awful shit our parents went to endless lengths to keep from us. We also remember how awesome it was when they weren’t looking, and we were free to sneak as much sugary crap as we could possibly guzzle down.
In college, beer took the place of Kool-Aid, and there was nobody around to tell us to not drink as much of it as humanly possible. So, we drank a shitload of it — and gained a few (20) pounds.
Then we grew up, and realized that in addition to potentially killing us, being a fat, drunk slob — more often than not — makes us unattractive to potential candidates for fornication. We then made the proper dietary adjustments to get back down to fightin’ weight — and we didn’t need Mike Bloomberg to tell us to do it.
Maybe Magary wants to be treated like a baby — as you can see in the video embedded below, some people are into that kinda thing (to each his own, we suppose).
If that’s the case, this is New York City — we’re sure Magary won’t have any trouble finding someone willing to give him a nightly bedtime story, an occasional spanking, and cut his food into pieces small enough for him to manage. But he can do it on his own; the rest of us are adults who are capable of making — and dealing with the consequences of — our own decisions.
Magary ended his “rant” by inviting readers to “buy a cold can of Dr. Pepper and jam it up your butt,” which seems to follow the same childish theme that apparently requires Mike Bloomberg to make his dietary decisions for him.
We’ll also invite you to grab a can of Dr. Pepper, but we’ll refrain from suggesting you use it sodomize yourself. Rather, we encourage you to drink it. Fuck it, have two — then just go for a jog. Or don’t — it’s up to you (for now).