You Can’t Do S**T Anymore! What’s Left?


You can’t have sex anymore, for obvious reasons.

You can’t drink because people found out a while ago that it’s an illness and now everyone’s recovering and staying away from the devil booze as if it were death itself.

You can’t do drugs because they’re deadly and, worse, extremely uncool.

You can’t smoke in public places or you’ll end up on Death Row.

You can’t open a restaurant without the cleanliness grade being blared on your front window for all the world to see.

You can’t order something there without the calorie count being thrown in your face.

A nightclub can’t allow any “bad” behavior or they’ll be continually raided, then shut down.

If a NYC street has a bike lane, you can’t cycle outside of it or you’ll get fined.

And last week, Mayor Bloomberg revealed his plans to ban large sodas!!!

You can’t get more than 16 ounces!

(Though I plan to make repeat trips to the counter via various disguises.)

This is becoming the kind of state George Orwell and Ray Bradbury hallucinated in their darker moments.

It’s totally cuckoo, with a little too much “caring” on the part of our Big Brother.

Things that used to be left to choice and common sense are now programmed into our society’s rules, so there’s no room for spontaneity, hedonism, or learning by doing anymore.

Now that the most banal human behavioral acts are being legislated, what’s left for us to do without incrimination?

I’d say….eat like a pig!

And take lots and lots of prescription drugs!

Then eat some more!

Try and stop me, Bloomberg!