Meteorologists say that summer starts June 1. Astronomers, however, peg the season to the solstice — so June 20 of this year. If you live in New York, however, summer officially begins when your air conditioning-less rathole becomes unlivable, driving you into the streets in search of ice-cold boozahol.
In addition to excessive drinking, another all-natural way of beating the heat is wearing the right kind of clothing. Lucky for us ladies — and some very brave men — we get to sport these breezy little numbers called “skirts” all season long.
But with rights come responsibility, so they say. Unlike the countryside, our town presents particular, peculiar challenges: New York City is filled with subways and stairs and wind and people watchers and perverts, so you have to be careful in your skirts! Modesty and manners, as our mothers tried to teach us, are key to civil society. Baring your ass to the world just isn’t as admirable as baring your soul.
At the Voice, we’re very concerned about being prim and proper — delicate flowers we are — and wanted to share our hard-earned insights with you. So stop gnawing that wad of dip in your cheek — hey, we will too! — and listen up.
Here’s how to wear a skirt in New York like a lady, God damn it.
Do not: Ladyscape.
Do: Huh? We’re as confused by all this ladyscaping talk too. After all, if you’re a lady, nobody should see any of your scaping, right? Unless you want them to, and then it’s OK unless you’re sailing a glass-bottomed boat. Sea creatures are modest! Do not make them blush! You don’t want to cause fish kills, do you?
Do not: Stand on subway vents. You are not alternative universe Marilyn Monroe, who has been saved from (reportedly) anal barbiturate poisoning with time travel. Your bleach-job proves it! Impostor!
Do: Go commando! Not only does this make pissing in the streets easier — sorry, we meant to say peeing in the streets, being ladies and all. The femme form of freeballing will also keep your laundry bills low.
Do not: Get a labial tattoo. You’re going to have to get that thing touched up at least every six months. Do you know how expensive that is?And it’s even worse if there’s color!
Do: Vajazzle. Summer sweat might keep sequins and sparkles from sticking to your skin, so your crotch will give the gift of rhinestones to the city. It’s urban fairy dust, really. Do what you can to spread magic on subway seats and restaurant booths. It’s your duty.
Do not: Slide down stair railings spread-eagle. You could slip and fall and crack your head open. You’ve seen how metal skull plates change people — look at what happened to your aunt.
Do: Carry ping pong balls. Performers can play in City parks again! Hey, even ladies can use some extra cash!
Do not: Cross your legs while seated. You don’t want varicose veins, do you? We certainly don’t, even though we don’t really know what they are. For healthy circulation, it’s best to keep your feet on the back of a stranger’s chair, especially at church.
Follow Victoria Bekiempis @vicbekiempis.