Sunday is Father’s Day!
Instead of ignoring your dad, like the other 364 days of the year, you will have to give that alcoholic deadbeat a call and pretend like you love him — and that you don’t mind that he missed your little league games for greyhound races all those years.
If you don’t want to lie through your teeth, however, you could always ship your old man a present. Gifts are an elegant — and silent — way of saying: “I know you’re still alive. Thanks for impregnating mom when you were on shore leave.”
But what do you buy the man who has nothing except cirrhosis — and who wants even less?
Well, we’ve got an answer for you — several, actually.
Here’s our list of 10 things to get your dad for father’s day if you hate him.
In no particular order…
10. Lipstick-Stained Dress Shirt
You know your mom deserves better than your dad! What better way to drive her away than to make her suspect infidelity?
9. Every Single Adam Sandler Movie on VHS
Sure, this gift is boring, but the format’s obsolescence makes it especially thoughtless.
8. Stainless-Steel Flask
This says: “I know you have a problem, but I don’t care enough to help.”
7. Blow Up Doll
Want payback for all those years of being left alone at the bus stop? Then remind him how lonely he is!
6. Vasectomy Gift Certificate
Your therapist can barely handle your problems. Imagine if you had a sibling!
5. Facebook Account
Activate your dad’s page on his behalf. When he friends you, ignore him. After a few months, approve his request. Then, unfriend him. When he friends you again, repeat.
4. Recalled Hammer
Hey, it was on sale. And dads love to build things! And it’s not like you got him a recalled nail gun, or something. That would be mean.
3. Greek Savings Bonds
Because it’s never too late to plan for retirement….
2. Bus Ticket to Paris, Texas
He said that he’s always wanted to go to Paris. And it’s not like anything you do will ever be good enough anyway, so why not aim low?
1. Paternity Test
The worst case scenario here also turns out to be the best case scenario.
Follow Victoria Bekiempis @vicbekiempis.