New York

Ten Things That Used To Be Better About New York


Sure, a lot of stuff is way better now, but why get all gooey and feelgood all of a sudden?

Here are the the things that were better then.

(10) There wasn’t a polished sameness to Manhattan. There were “bad neighborhoods.” There was grit. I love grit!

(9) Similarly, smut was a lot easier to find. Not online–in person. Not just smut–smutty things. It was fucktastic!

(8) You could nab a cheap apartment either by chance or through connections or just because they were out there and available. Now, the closest you can live to Manhattan and be able to afford it is Buffalo.

(7) Every Broadway show wasn’t an adaptation of a middlebrow movie, with songs added by outsiders who have no idea how to create a theater piece. I’m living in horrid anticipation of the inevitable Honey, I Shrunk The Kids musical, with a score by the Eagles.

(6) Broadway shows and museums were affordable. Now, just checking out some DaVinci drawings because you’re bored can lead to bankruptcy.

(5) You could smoke, drink, enjoy your fave restaurant without having to know how clean it was, eat without regard to calorie counts, and order really large sodas. Having the freedom to be human, make choices, and taste a little danger was heaven!

(4) Nightclubs had large dance floors, sexual energy, high fashion, and celebs actually mixing in with the hoi polloi. And you could have sex in the bathroom!

(3) There were no pedi-cab drivers risking the lives of you, their customers, themselves, and everyone else in the vicinity. Even when they snail along at one mile an hour, these blithe-spirited, overcharging hotties can’t seem to stay in the same lane.

(2) No one in Manhattan used to care about sports. But nowadays I’m always hearing deafening group screams and yelps from the sidewalk and freaking before realizing that some team of accused rapists has just won some stupid game.

And # 1….

(1) Times Square wasn’t overrun with packs of Playbill-wielding tourists from Idaho stomping through the streets like pods, sometimes pausing to sit on the weird stairway from hell or trudge through the bike lane so no one else can get through.

Get them in a spaceship out of here!

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