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How To Beat a Drug Test

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Here at the Voice, we’ve been keeping you in the loop with local and national pot policy developments.

But we haven’t written too much about one of the most prevalent pot policies in the nation — drug testing. Not only is there a push to expand testing efforts beyond the workplace and to welfare recipients — as Reason reports, President Barack Obama’s new drug control report goes so far as to demand more workplace drug testing. (The prez is even advocating the development of an oral drug screening.)

Now, we’re not encouraging illegal activity. And yes, there’s obviously lots of cause for concern about America’s apparent pain pill addiction and bourgeoning bath salts abuse.

But, it’s pretty safe to say that a fair amount of perfectly productive, well adjusted people probably indulge in cannabis every now and then — be it for recreational or medical purposes.

It’s also pretty safe to say that they probably don’t want to lose their jobs or anything else that’s testing-dependent.

So, we’ve put together a little guide for beating common urine tests. And while none of these methods are foolproof, they def better position you to achieve “clean” pee than doing nothing. And remember: depending on where you test, some of these methods might be considered illegal. That said, enjoy!

Watch Your Weight

Yes, a lot of pot’s chemical components get stored in fat tissue. So, some say that more fat, the higher the likelihood of failing a drug test. However, you might want to avoid crash diets before a test, because rapid weight loss has been tied to the release of THC metabolites.

Drink Water

Scratch that: Drink obscene amounts of water. Like, more water than you could ever imagine or (would want to). Basically, you should drink as much water between being notified of an upcoming test and the exam. This helps flush the chemicals in question out of the urinary tract, working like a “temporary” detox.

Make Sober Friends

The means of delivery are up to you, but swapping your pee for someone else’s seems to be one of the better ways, so long as said friend doesn’t do drugs and isn’t pregnant, etc. Just don’t make the same mistake as Mishelle Salzgeber: She reportedly hid a bottle of urine in her vagina, but it turned out to test positive for drugs. So she was arrested on charges of testing positive and trying to beat the test.

Do Drugs

Not fun ones — we’re talking Midol and aspirin. Midol, typically used to treat menstrual symptoms, comes packed with caffeine, a powerful diuretic. And taking four aspirin 4-6 hours pre-screening might hide chemicals detected by EMIT tests. Also, make sure to pop vitamin B-12 before the exam. If you’ve been drinking a lot of water, your pee might be nearly clear and make examiners wonder. This nutrient will help restore that normal, yellow hue.

Do Not Do Drugs

This seems pretty obvious, but we’ll say it anyway. If you have a test coming up, don’t toke! Most urine tests can find weed up to 13 days after its last use. Also, avoid the temptation to use diuretic diet pills to aid in detox. They can cause false positives for amphetamine tests! Also, some anti-depressants such as bupropion and desipramine can have that effect, too. Jezebel also implores you not to try those commercial “urine cleaners” because they’re a. pricy and b. might not work all that well.

Testing info from Jezebel, Broward-Palm Beach New Times, Livestrong.com, New Scientist, and True Crime Report.

Follow Victoria Bekiempis @vicbekiempis.

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