The Five Worst Types Of Commenters


Not you, mind you.

I’m talking about the icky, boring, cliched, hateful wretches that ocassionally pop up here or on Facebook and Twitter, to turn my whole milk sour.

The worst:

(5) The “zzzzz” trolls.

Nothing is ever exciting enough for these people. I’m handing them tidbits and observations for free, but it simply isn’t worthy of their five-second attention span and incredibly high standards. Similarly, the “Slow news day, huh?” queens are annoying, especially when they don’t follow that with a happy face or some kind of “lol” gesture.” A guy wrote “Slow news day” on one of my Facebook threads the other day, so I looked up his page and his big story was that Betty White had met the President! No news day?

(4) The ones who don’t get that saying a closeted celebrity is gay is NOT the same thing as schoolyard bullying.

A woman called me a bully for doing this, and I explained to her that a homophobe yelling “fag” at a defenseless three-year-old isn’t quite the same as an out, proud gay reporter saying a rich and famous closet case happens to be gay and should be honest about it. To make her stop bullying me, I unfriended her.

(3) The ones who say truly banal things like “RIP” in a thread about a celebrity who’s died.

Why bother even typing something that obvious and unimaginative? Zzzz.

(2) The ones who are too lazy to read the link, so they just comment on the title. (If the title is “Guess Who’s The New Cleopatra?” they’ll say “Ellen DeGeneres?” rather than just click and find out.) Or who ignore all the previous commenters who’ve pointed out a certain mistake–people love pointing out mistakes–and who say, for the 20th time in that thread, “It’s Best Featured Actress, not Best Supporting Actress.” Ugh. Zzzz. Blech.

(1) The “You’re a dumb fairy” guy on Facebook.

It was really just one person, not a type–thank God. After misinterpreting a joke I made, he repeatedly called me a “dumb fairy” and said I must be on drugs! The guy ended up unfriending me–again, thank you, Jesus–and the result is great; my 5000-plus friends and I can now talk about him through eternity, and he can’t join in!

(And by the way, “dumb fairy”? He was only half right.)

But again, you folks are the best.

Let the smart comments begin.