You had too much to drink, yet again. The crew’s all here: headache, dry mouth, the general feeling that your bones, organs and blood have all been replaced with sand.
You consider lying in bed and calling out “Help meeee!” over and over, but since that’s not likely to work (no matter how emotionally satisfying it may be), you drag your heavy limbs out of bed in search of the one thing that may help you besides an IV: food.
Not just any food. Can’t be too greasy (vom inducing), or too healthy (pointless). For this you will need something that crosses all barriers: the Hangover Helper sandwich.
First, get yourself to Bittersweet Cafe, a small coffee shop on Fort Greene’s restaurant-choked DeKalb Avenue. Look for a web of dogs and leashes tied just outside and a small chalkboard scrawled with a sickly sweet coffee sentiment.
Once inside, stay focused. You’re not here for the unimaginatively named Brie and Apple combo or the Salami and Salted Butter creation. The sandwich you seek has a hero’s moniker worthy of its Herculean task.
Because the Hangover Helper is pre-made and ready to go, you won’t have to wait long to devour the crusty baguette, salty serrano ham, nutty manchego cheese, fried sage and the clutch cure-all: a sliced hard boiled egg. Protein! Carbs! Dairy! Fried sage!
And bonus: that baguette you’re holding is not just a handy vehicle for transporting ingredients into your mouth. The chewy texture and slender shape serve as an emergency break for your over-ambitious appetite.
You have no choice but to eat the sandwich slowly, which allows you to gracefully come to the fateful realization that you’re too hungover to be eating anything at all.