Barack Obama’s Birthday Bash: We’re Totally Invited, Maybe


Oh my God, guys! OH MY GOD!

Michelle Obama, who’s totally like, my BFF, keeps sending me e-mails — she, like, knows me by my first name and stuff. We’re that close.

Anyway, she told me that Barack’s having a 51st birthday party next month, and the best part is that I’m totally invited!!!

Well, at least I think I am.

Like, I keep re-reading her e-mail and it’s like trying to figure out some dude’s texts or something — really hard. I just don’t know if she really likes me.

It’s just weird, because the e-mail was all like, friendly and real personal and stuff at first, starting off with:

Victoria —

Barack turns 51 next month, and there will be a little celebration at our house in Chicago.

We’d like to give grassroots supporters an opportunity to join in the fun. You guys deserve it, and I know Barack would personally love to see you there.

See: “Barack would personally love to see [me] there.”


But then Michelle starts asking for money and it’s super awk — like, you shouldn’t ask friends for money and stuff, right? — and now I’m not sure if she really wants me there, or if she’s just saying she wants me there or worse, if she only wants my money.

Look: ” Donate $3 or whatever you can today, and you’ll be automatically entered to get your name added to the guest list.”

Like, WTF, right?

And then Michelle like tries to play it off and be like, all LOL and acts like we actually are close friends who joke about Obama getting old and stuff.

She goes: “That won’t stop me from teasing him about all those new gray hairs he has — though I think it’s fair to say he’s earned every one.”

But then Michelle starts asking for money again — “if you’re standing with Barack for the final months of his final campaign, there’s no better way to show it than by making a donation to build this grassroots organization today” — which makes me think she actually doesn’t want to hang out with me unless she can get something, which is not cool.

Like, look again: “If you do, you’ll be automatically entered for the chance to join him for his birthday celebration in Chicago. We’ll also fly you out and take care of all the travel arrangements.”

Yeah, OK, Michelle, that’s totally not an invitation, like you said in the first place.

That’s like, me paying to maybe get to go to your house party. No way.

Last time, I heard, there wasn’t even a keg.

Besides, my Tridelt Alum chapter and I are totally going to A.C. that weekend, which is going to be way more fun — and I’m going to have the Facebook albums to prove it.

See you never, Michelle.


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