Judy Tenuta Asks Me For Help With Her Sex Tape!


Hilarious love goddess Judy Tenuta has signed a big deal for Vegas, plus she has a new book out and two movies. She paused to crack me up about all of it the other day, with a zingy phone call from La La Land.

Hi, Judy. Tell me about your book, Full Frontal Tenudity.

It’s like three books in one. The first section is called ‘Judy’s Hollywood-to-English Dictionary’. Especially here, people never say what they mean. ‘We’ll be BFF’s forever.’ That’s code for ‘We’ll wave to each other on the red carpet.’ When a guy says, ‘My divorce is almost final’ it means he’s–hello–married and broke. ‘I love your work’–that means ‘I just saw your sex tape.’ These days, they don’t want you to audition, just hand them your sex tape.

They can’t download it themselves?

I have to give them the link. Meanwhile I don’t even have a sex tape. You have to help me with this. Then like everyone else I’m obsessed with food.

It’s the new porn.

All I want to see is people rolling around in spaghetti. Not really. Yuck. That makes me sick. Anyway, the second part of my book is ‘Judy’s Sexy Stoner Snacks For Love Slaves.’ I hate to cook. I just don’t have time. Unlike Martha or Rachael, I don’t have a half hour to spend on pigs in a blanket. If I’m gonna do that, I’m gonna have sexist pigs in a blanket at one of the hot clubs in New York. By the way, this book is a must-have because the pictures alone are an education. They’re like i-porn. Whether you read or not, it’s a perfect book. There’s a great picture of me with two hot hunks and I’m in my hot Lady Gaga tribute garb with a giant shoe on my head. The snack is ‘two buffed up twinkies covered in hot fudge, nuts, and a cherry. Just kiss and serve.’

And part three?

‘Forty Ways To Breed a Love Slave.’ This is for goddesses and demi gods in training and studsicles too. Here’s one of the must-dos: Never sleep with your stud on the first date unless it’s Hugh Jackman or Ryan Reynolds. Do not submit or you will just be a notch on his belt. Never do the chasing. The pig must chase you.

Waiting for those two to chase you might take a long time.

The book is on ibooks and ipad and it’s coming out on amazon as an actual book in two weeks. Let’s say Sarah Palin calls and she wants to burn some books! Hey, here’s something that bothers me: Candidates aren’t just talking anymore. Everybody’s singing. It’s because of Idol and The Voice and The X Factor. Life is a singing contest.

I think that’s fine because instead of dirty politicking, they’re actually competing based on talent. I think Paula Abdul should pick the President.

At this rate! You know Obama can sing better. Romney can’t sing, so he’s out. It’s not over till Obama sings.

And now, please tell me about your movies.

In Going Down In LaLa Land, I play a real bitchy bitch, a three dimensional Cruella de Vil. And in Gibsonburg, I play the mom of a star high school pitcher. I thought, ‘Wow, I can almost be normal.’ Except I am really over the top because it’s like one of those stage moms. A Toddlers & Tiaras mom except this is a baseball team. I’m yelling at the umpire and telling the players what to do. They’re getting that to Disney. Disney will probably turn it into a ride. What happened with Sage Stallone?

So sad.

So sad. I blame it on the pharmacist.

How about the doctors who issued the prescriptions?

Let’s blame it on them. Don’t you think a lot of them get different doctors? That’s what happened with Heath Ledger. I don’t do that! I have enough trouble with my vitamins.

You can OD on vitamins too. I saw that in a movie. Don’t mix vitamins C and D.

So you’re saying I can’t drink orange juice and go in the sun? My life is over. I am so glad I consulted with you, Dr. Michael. I love all those fashion shows on TV. I’m addicted. They should make outfits out of Jessica Simpson’s old fat.

Ashlee has the opposite problem.

Standing next to each other, they look like the number 10!

I miss you! Look me up when you come to New York. And I mean it!

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