New York

How To Keep A Boyfriend Or Girlfriend In This Town


In an ordinary place, a boyfriend/girlfriend is someone you can’t wait to show off to the word, introduce to friends, and flaunt in every imaginable situation.

That’s what boyfriends/girlfriends are for.

But not in New York.

In fact, if you want to hold onto them for more than two weeks, you have to take quite the opposite approach.

You should not introduce them to anyone, certainly not your friends, who’ll invariably try to steal them the second you avert your glance or go to the bathroom!

You should not even mention them to your friends, in fact.

Just say you’re busy working all the time as an excuse as to why you’re not very available anymore. Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines.

And keep up a line of “I’m so lonely” bull to constantly clue them in to the fact that there’s no one special on your life! That’s the only way they can stay special!

If you absolutely have to go out with the boyfriend/girlfriend, only go to places like Applebee’s, where you’ll never see anyone you know (unless you maybe glance into the kitchen and recognize the help, but in that case they’ll be so embarrassed they’ll never acknowledge you, so it’ll be fine).

And don’t even Facebook friend your boyfriend/girlfriend!

Your compulsive companions will check your “friends” list and all your photos and figure out which one you’ve been dating and then they’ll cook up a plan to pounce, believe me.

In NYC, if you even articulate a crush, people start lining up for some cheap grabs, mainly because the only excitement left for jaded wretches is in taking what’s taboo and wrong.

So from now on, my boyfriend stays in the closet.

My closet.

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