What the hail?
If you were in New York City yesterday, you are certainly aware of the inclement weather which loudly dumped several inches of rain and quarter-size icerocks on our fair metropolis — resulting in at least four lightening-related injuries and flooding in subway and highway hubs, according the Daily News.
And if you are here today, you might experience yet another round of rain, with the National Weather Service predicting some scattered showers before 1 p.m. and another set after 2 a.m.
However, getting caught in rain won’t just dampen your mood. At best, you will melt outright. At worst, you will wind up with Alice Cooper mascara. In any case, you will certainly grow webbing on your hands and feet and believe that Kevin Costner is a total dreamboat in Waterworld.
Needless to say, the consequences of an unexpected, unprotected brush with preciptitation are dire. So, we have put together a handy, helpful guide: How to survive rain in New York City.
Forget all that basic physics stuff — you can totally run faster than raindrops fall, but only if you’re running on slick surfaces, such as marble stairs. Traction will just slow you down, so gliding — maybe even slipping, followed by a MacGyver-like, rain-evading fall on your tailbone — are key to staying dry.
Destroy Your Umbrella!
Don’t forget all that basic physics stuff — or maybe it was chemistry? Doesn’t matter. The laws of science or whatever claim that like molecules can be attracted to the same kind molecules (cohesion or some shit) — but that molecules can also be attracted to different molecules, too (adhesion or some other shit.) That said, ruining your umbrella is the only way to guarantee that rain won’t be attracted to itself or your umbrella.
Wear a Trenchcoat — and Nothing Else!
Note: This method only works Nov. 1-Oct. 30, and only if you knock on a stranger’s door at 4 a.m., yell “Trick or treat, I’m the motherfuckin’ candy man,” run, and then ride your bike into the dark horizon, never to be seen again. Near nudity will prevent you from getting too sweaty on your cycle and help you pedal with ease!
You know that story about the little kid who throws starfish back into the sea one by one, even though he can’t save all of the ones that have been washed up on the shore? Well, apply that same idea to weather. The more rainwater you drink — be it in drop or runoff form — means that there’s less circulating to get you wet. Bottoms up!
Buy Turkey’s Nest Margaritas!
They’re in foam cups! So, they will survive whatever deluge by remaining buoyant and floating to safety — like alcoholic life-preservers– and hey, who doesn’t need a stiff drink after a storm?