The latest rumor about how the Olympics will close themselves out next month comes from The Sun: “[Oasis’s Liam Gallagher] will perform a new arrangement of… ‘Wonderwall’ with bandmates Gem Archer, Andy Bell and Chris Sharrock.”
12. All of the track & field competitors dress up like Benny Hill and chase each other around the stadium while the London Philharmonic plays “Yakety Sax.”
11. The Teletubbies perform a skit depicting the post-Reformation history of religion in the UK; when they conclude, the Archbishop of Canterbury claps his hands and says “again, again!”
10. Paul and Ringo are joined by a holographic John and George for a Beatles reunion, during which they only play Van Halen songs.
9. The Spice Girls take several athletes hostage in the Olympics village to protest Girl Power’s 2002 incarceration in fashion jail; they are eventually brought to justice by a combined strike force of Girls Aloud and the original lineup of the Sugababes.
8 Jarvis Cocker somehow gets everyone in the stadium pregnant.
7. Nickelback shows up to reprise ther role at the Vancouver closing ceremonies, only to be publicly shamed into disbanding by David Bowie.
6. The Queen performs a brief but spirited standup comedy set focusing mainly on Corgis.
5. Maggie Smith appears in character as the Dowager Contess and systematically throws shade on everyone in attendance.
4. Damon Albarn and Noel Gallagher refight the battle of Britpop by playing Dragonforce’s “Through the Fire and the Flames” on Guitar Hero; Stuart from Mogwai stands to the side and mimes insultingly.
3. Keith Richards and Mick Jagger finally just have sex already.
2. The audience is brought to a secret warehouse rave. Spoiler: Everyone has an awful time.
1. Liam Gallagher starts playing “Wonderwall,” but the London city council cuts his mike after the first three notes.