This week, I won’t be smoking, drinking, wrong-way driving, or ordering large sodas.
I won’t be working either!
I’m taking a vacation week, and I implore you all to be as responsible as I am, even without me watching over you with my incredible conscience as your guide.
One thing I will do is post the new column here this Wednesday, and it’s a doozy–one of my crazed rants in which I decry the rotting values of our culture while you empathize and call for security.
Just knowing what delicious torture I’ll be causing will make my vacation even more bizarrely enjoyable for me.
No, scratch that.
I just landed an interview with a two-time Oscar nominee who will tell me about his aspirations and neuroses.
Let him sound off.