Attention, Brooklyn: Stop Blingin’ Out Your Babies!


For the second time in less than a week, a toddler in Brooklyn was mugged for an expensive piece of jewelry. This morning, the New York Post penned an article about the latest robbery with the lede “No toddler is safe in this city!,” and the The Post is right; no toddler is safe — as long as their bone-head parents keep decking out their kids in pricey bling!

The latest item stolen is a $300 bracelet that was taken from the wrist of a 2-year-old. The last robbery was a $400 chain that was ripped off the neck of a 3-year-old. Both robberies occurred in relatively rough neighborhoods in Brooklyn (Bushwick and Bed-Stuy).

That said, we wouldn’t let a toddler run around in an empty field in Upstate New York wearing anything that costs more than $40, let alone in a rough neighborhood in Brooklyn, and here’s why: being completely defenseless aside, babies are stupid.

New York City thieves aren’t evil, they’re opportunistic. When they see a baby wearing a $400 chain, they don’t see a chain, they see $400. They also don’t see a baby — they see $400 that won’t put up a fight.

Your baby getting robbed shouldn’t even be your biggest concern — kids lose shit all the time, and just because something costs $400 doesn’t mean a stupid baby isn’t going to lose it.

A baby doesn’t care how much a bracelet he or she is wearing costs, and that’s because babies don’t have jobs and don’t understand what money is — they have no idea what $400 even means, and don’t care (for more than 20 minutes) when
something that costs $400 is lost or stolen.

Blingin’ out your baby is adorable, and all, but if your kid is robbed for an expensive piece of jewelery by some creep in a bad neighborhood, you have nobody to blame but yourself.

Like puppies, all babies
know is that they like shiny things — regardless of how much they cost. So just strap some tinfoil to your
rugrat’s wrist and save yourself the trouble.