This week’s candidate for The Internet’s Worst Song Ever (At Least Until The Next One) is the inaugural musical offering from an MTV reality star: Teen Mom‘s Farrah Abraham. The young mother released the more-processed-than-Velveeta “Getting Up From Rock Bottom” on Friday, and before you could say “recapping culture,” the Internet had stabbed a thousand downward-pointed thumbs in its direction. But does Abraham actually know what she’s doing? Time to fire up The Trollgaze Index, in which we attempt to figure out whether or not people are deliberately getting caught up in the Internet’s seemingly endless cycle of hate.
THE ARTIST (10 points): Thanks to her membership in the original crop of Teen Moms (new episode on MTV tonight at 10!), Abraham has transformed herself into one of those tabloid fixtures who must have seemed like God’s gift to those supermarket-rag editrixes worried about publicists’ clamping down on access to the Hollywood set. The essentially widowed Iowan’s trials aren’t as salacious as Amber Portwood’s, and she doesn’t have the freckled pluck of Maci Bookout, but her plotline did involve the cops coming to her house on camera, and she does have a new book out. A memoir. (I know, you’re shocked.) (9/10)
THE SONG (5 points): Before I first heard “Getting Up From Rock Bottom,” I heard about it from all my friends and those people who I know only by their Internet byliens—”worst song ever,” “ow my ears,” etc., etc. But you know what? It kind of sounds like what would happen if Salem remixed “Deceptacon”—glitched-to-all-hell yelling vocals over a beat that might very well have been preloaded on the Casio SK-1. If this song had been serviced to certain music outlets under a different artist name and by a particularly influential publicist, you’d probably be reading bland praise of its “electro influences” right now. (5/5)
DIVISIVENESS (5 points): People of all peculiarities pretty much hate this in a way that can only be inspired by the bubbling rage incited by reality-TV culture and the American Dream’s transformation into a nightmare with the vague plot “get famous ASAP and figure the rest out later.” I’m telling you, though, slap Salem’s name on it… (0/5)
VIRALITY POTENTIAL (10 points): Will probably not make The Soup‘s year-end wrapup of Hilarious Things That People On Reality TV Did, thanks to the existence of this song outlining the batshit boyfriend requirements put forth by the awful Julia Allison. (3/10)
“FUCK THE HATERS” QUOTIENT (10 points): There’s definitely a declaration of having “no regrets” in there, and I think it’s followed by her talking about how she’s going to explode? If you can listen to the song enough times to peer through the processing, you’re a better person than I am. (8/10)
BACKLASH POTENTIAL (5 points): Again, I say: Salem. Remix. Or, hell, “remix”—you don’t need to change a thing. Watch the frontlash happen as a result! (2/5)
THAT EXTRA JE NE SAIS QUOI (5 points): “… and she gave In Touch a preview of her first single.” (5/5)
TOTAL: 32/50. Not trollgaze. Somehow. I might have to redo the math on this one. But hey, it sure livened up a slow August day for those people caught up in the endless hatewatch cycle!