In our concrete jungle, few species of humans are as ubiquitous and dangerous as WRITERS.
Not to be confused with writers, WRITERS are a breed best characterized by their habitat (over-priced speakeasies) and their method of stalking romantic prey (“I mean, I want to write a sitcom.”) Though it is very likely you will encounter WRITERS in the wild — say, scribbling in a Moleskine at Cafe Loup or dozing in your writing workshop — do not approach WRITER.
They might appear charming — seductively brooding, with an endless supply of backhanded compliments — and might even offer to buy you a drink, but WRITERS are actually dangerous animals. As lovers, they are emotionally damaging and must be avoided at all costs.
So, here are 11 reasons why you should never fuck a WRITER:
11. As has been observed, much of WRITER’s creativity will stem from an unhappy upbringing — especially the arteest’s homelife. WRITER will most certainly brandy bad parental relationships to excuse a wide variety of emotional shortcomings, such as selfishness and infidelity. Sometimes, said behavior will take place even when WRITER willingly accepts mom and dad’s money for a co-op OR MFA program.
10. If WRITER is in New York, it’s very possible WRITER moved there from either from a flyover state or endless, suburban sprawl. If things go well with WRITER, you will wind up wasting some of your holidays visiting WRITER’s shit parents (see above) in one of these cultural dead zones.
9. Too bad if you don’t like threesomes…WRITER has probably (pretended to) read something about Henry Miller and Anais Nin and what true artists don’t try to imitate the art that so inspires them, right?
8. WRITER might be unemployed and unwilling to take a job to pay the bills, claiming that it will impact “creativity” unless it’s that staff position at The Paris Review
that doesn’t exist. No matter that you work a job unrelated to your aspirations — and still manage to find time for your art — WRITER is special and sensitive and can’t be bothered with quotidian, bougie things like schedules and deadlines and button-down shirts. Besides, your income can totally cover two people.
7. Let’s hope WRITER is not a poet. If WRITER is drawn to verse, you will be sure to receive pages upon pages of either poorly constructed rhymes or unpunctuated, conceptual word fragments. In either case, your experience trying to read said poetry will be like your relationship — painful and confusing.
6. Beware if WRITER is employed in any type of writing capacity: WRITER most certainly hates his/her job because WRITERS do not want to waste their talent on commercial pursuits. Of course, this will not stop WRITERS from incessantly working on the projects they claim to hate — and neglecting you in the meanwhile — but whatever. WRITERS will bitch about writing.
5. Delusions of grandeur are a key symptom of schizophrenia — and they also sum up many WRITERS M.O.s. So, even though you don’t think your 21 year-old WRITER — who’s penning a memoir about the trials and tribulations of growing up in an upper-middle class household — is the next James Joyce, WRITER certainly does and will be sure to tell you (postcoitally, if not during sex) that his/her künstlerroman speaks for any and all generations with young people.
4. WRITER, in addition to fancying him/herself a unique and poignant literary voice, might also dabble in cultural criticism, which means that WRITER will use Slavoj Žižek to discuss Dr. Seuss and its relation to homoeroticism in Native American myth, or something.
3. WRITERS are wannabe storytellers. When WRITERS are bad writers, they will bullshit you. But when WRITERS are half decent writers, they will lie — and be good at it. This is fine, unless you want an honest partner you can trust.
2. A WRITER — or maybe just a writer, no matter — is responsible for Fifty Shades of Grey. That should put to rest any question of whether these creatives make for good lovers.
1. Perhaps worst? You won’t just have to pretend to like WRITER’s work — you’ll also have to pretend it’s good.
Follow Victoria Bekiempis @vicbekiempis.