New York

A Shiny Celebrity is A Wasted Celebrity


The first thing celebrities learn, practically out of the womb, is “Never let them see you sweat! Sparkle, but don’t shine, honey!”

And I’ve done a lot of TV, where the most common refrain you hear is, “You’re getting a little shiny. Get out the powder pronto. No, not the coke, dummy!”

A compact is a performer’s best friend as you pat down your nose, your hairline, and anywhere else that sends off an unwanted glare. (My glasses are bad enough.)

So after the Oscars, when everyone was carrying on about Angelina’s jutting leg, all I could think of was the fact that her face was absurdly shiny.

She looked like she’d just come out of the pool and stuck her leg out.

She was blinding–like a sweaty mirror with big lips.

It was an act of sheer chutzpah to ignore the cardinal rule of public appearances and come out so unapologetically unwiped-down.

I mean, the leg was great, but the face was a mess.

Who approved such a glamour goddess going onstage looking like a moisture ball?

I was so upset about it I almost had to be rushed to the hospital.

I know that was a long time ago, and I eventually fully recovered from the horror, but just the other day I came across the above photo of a wet looking Claire Danes and it brought it all back!

Hugh Dancy must have to wear goggles just to look at the woman!

Claire’s Homeland must be a place with no paper towels or napkins!

And obviously she’s never heard of My So-Called Wipe!

Why have major celebrities lost the art of achieving the dry look?

If this trend continues, it could lead to all kinds of rioting and fascism.

People, come on! Even Big Ang knows to pat her face down!

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