You Don’t Have to Watch the Olympics Closing Ceremony Tonight But You Should


It’s been two never-ending weeks since we witnessed the Queen and James Bond fly in on some sort of parachute thing over the Thames River. And Mr. Bean. And the timeline of London’s growth, from the capital of a colonial power to a lovable, quirky center of British haute couture. Yes, the Olympics are coming to an end tonight. And they are going out with a damn bang.

Over the past fourteen days, we really witnessed some ups and downs in terms of athletic strength and determination.
Up: the Fab Five of women’s gymnastics.
Down: that close-up of the poor Russian girl crying after she won the silver.
Up: Usain Bolt.
Down: Lolo Jones.
Up: Bob Costas.
Down: NBC.
With that being said, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t watch it all come to an end tonight in a small culmination known as the Closing Ceremony. Unless you’re watching Breaking Bad or The Newsroom – in both cases, totally exempt from this so discontinue reading.
But, if you’re not doing that, you absolutely should tune in. And here’s why.

1. The U.S. Men’s Basketball Team just won the gold, beating Spain 107-100. The conclusion: no one else in the world is good at basketball. How can we prove this? We can’t. But, after the United States beat Tunisia a few days ago, the Tunisian players went up to Kobe and asked for his autograph. The score of that game was 110-63. Point proven.

2. The Spice Girls are getting back together. This is a big deal for a lot of people that grew up in the Nineties. Remember Spice World? That fun bunch of British teeny-boppers will reunite for one epic performance and nostalgia will ensue. And we assume David Beckham, husband of Posh Spice, will be killin’ it on the sax.
3. The Who, Queen, One Direction, Muse, George Michael and the Kinks will also be playing. Also, the Spice Girls are getting back together.
4. Apparently, there will be some sort of mosh pit in the middle of the field for the 10,800 athletes that competed for the gold. Because what better way to gracefully thank our athletes for their contributions to the sporting world than to throw them into the Hunger Games for all of us to watch?
5. The Olympics are over. And this is the last time you have to deal with the non-stop clutter of news alerts on your smartphone. That’s enough reason to celebrate.
The worldwide broadcast starts at 9pm. But, if none of these reasons sound appealing to you, well there’s always crystal meth cooking to watch on the television. We’ll be on the couch waiting for you guys.

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