I Won The Hope Springs Sweepstakes!


I usually don’t do well at games of chance.

I’ve rarely even gotten three numbers in a row on a Bingo card.

But I scored big the other night when I went to see the Meryl Streep/Tommy Lee Jones middle-aged romcom Hope Springs at Chelsea Clearview.

On the way in, my friend and I were given promotional gift bags consisting of a plastic cup, a poster, two packs of “supercandy,” moisturizing cream, lube, and a pack of “topic cards” for couples in need of re-energized intimacy.

(“What would you like in the bed tonight?” was one of the topics. “Someone else,” I muttered, imagining myself a bored housewife.)

We were also asked if we wanted a copy of Oprah magazine, but we declined, since it was too heavy to carry.

(No “heavy” jokes, please.)

Well, before the movie started, a young lady got up and announced that whoever had been given a plastic cup with a piece of paper that said “Lucky bag” in it got a special prize.

Mine had just that piece of paper! Lucky bag indeed!

So I grabbed my plastic cup, which I’d left in the aisle on the other side of the theater–long story–and jumped up and down, shrieking “I won! I won!”

I was escorted out to the same desk where they’d given out the promo bags and found that someone else who’d gotten the same piece of paper was being told she’d won first prize!

For some reason, I was only awarded second prize–in other words, I was the Clay Aiken, John McCain, and Carrie Prejean of the Chelsea Clearview.

Still, I figured all this fussing would amount to a pretty delightful bounty.

Well, here’s what second prize amounted to:

Another poster, some more “supercandy,” and another batch of topic cards!

Also, a white, floppy Hope Springs hat, which they photographed me in, and then I promptly discarded.

Oh, and a copy of Oprah magazine!

Which I had already rejected!

Here’s hoping I go back to not winning shit.

But by the way, I thought the movie was absorbing, funny, and brilliantly acted, so I did feel like a winner after all.

Besides, I still have the lube.

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