Let’s start at the very beginning, even before all the huffing and puffing takes place:
*Make your profile reasonably truthful.
Don’t present yourself as basically James Franco when you’re really James Holmes.
The truth will come out eventually–even if the lights are low.
Remember, they can feel your face.
*Don’t just walk in, say “Blech,” and run out.
Even in this unspeakably crass situation, some semblance of manners are in order.
Try something like, “Sorry, you’re not what I expected” or “I apologize, but you’re not really my type.”
Then mutter to yourself, “My type is someone attractive.”
*Don’t come up with surprise fetishes that hadn’t been mentioned before.
When you walk in with a camel, a harness, and some milking buckets, they’re gonna feel a little betrayed.
Stick to the script!
*Don’t just sit there stroking your business.
That’s a come-on that basically says, “Pleasure me. That’s what you’ve been summoned here for.”
Search your imagination and think of something pro-active to do. Come on, you can do it!
Besides, your profile had said you were “versatile” and “up for just about anything,” remember?
*Don’t try to pull off the condom.
It’s not very ladylike. It’s downright dumb, in fact.
It bespeaks a certain lack of education and refinement.
Keep your reckless streak to yourself, honey!
Oh, and have fun!