News & Politics

Here’s a Rape Victim’s Description Of “Legitimate Rape” For Congressman Todd Akin


Straight from the “please stop talking, you stupid jackass” files, we bring you Missouri Congressman Todd Akin, who said over the weekend — and we quote — “If it’s legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Akin is talking about a rape victim’s miraculous ability to end a pregnancy if the sperm donor is a rapist, as opposed to a consensual partner. The idiotic comment was in response to a question asking whether he supports abortion for rape victims.

We’ve always been under the impression that “no means no,” and rape is “legitimate” the second a female says the word.

Akin seems to follow a different creed when it comes to what brand of rape is “legitimate,” so we spoke to a friend of ours who was the victim of a “date rape” in an attempt to explain to the lawmaker how “legitimate” her rape was.

We first learned of our friend’s rape about six years ago, after she called us sobbing about the ordeal. She asked that we not reveal her name, age, or the university where the rape took place. So, for the sake of this article, we will refer to her as Lauren.

Lauren met her rapist at a party at the football house at the college she attended. He fed her Jell-o shots, beer, and Bacardi 151. Admittedly, Lauren was drunk — too drunk.

“I mean, I drank in college. But I rarely drank that much — and never to the point of passing out,” she recalls later. “He just kept giving me alcohol. He was a cool, older football player — he was one of the ‘cool guys’ — and I didn’t want to act like I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. So I kept drinking.”

About 45 minutes later, Lauren was down for the count — she passed out in the “cool guy’s” bed next to a pile of coats, and right underneath a glowing, Jose Cuervo bar sign.

The next thing Lauren remembered was the “cool guy” on top of her slobbering all over her face and neck. He was grabbing her breasts and trying to unbutton her pants. That’s when she dropped the N-bomb (not that N-bomb, racists — she said “no”).

“‘No. Stop,’ I kept saying. But he wouldn’t,” she says. “He kept saying ‘you know you want it’ and things like that.”

Unable to get her pants off, “cool guy” decided Lauren’s mouth was a more fitting spot for his “tiny” (as described by Lauren) penis — he pinned her shoulders down with his knees and tried to force her to give him a blowjob.

But Lauren is a self-described “feisty bitch,” and no penis was going in her mouth — and coming out as anything less than a bloody stump — unless she wanted it there.

As he was hitting her in the face with his puny dick — which went on for roughly 10 minutes — Lauren continued to tell him “no.” When he tried to jam his miniscule wiener into her mouth, she said — through gritted teeth — “I swear to fucking God I will bite your dick off.”

Under the threat of a chomped off penis, “cool guy” then got off — calling Lauren an “ugly bitch” as he exited the room.

For the next week, Lauren didn’t leave her bed. She says she was humiliated, scared and disgusted. She never reported the attempted rape to authorities because, she says, a similar thing happened to a friend and police “did nothing.”

Lauren is OK now, but says that every time she sees a bar light she remembers the night she watched that Cuervo sign flicker as some tiny-dicked jock tried to rape her — as she lay powerless.

So, Congressman Akin — in Lauren’s case, there was no penetration, she knew her attacker, and she was admittedly drunk when it happened. But she said “no,” and anything that happened after that is rape — regardless of whether you think it’s “legitimate.”

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