OK, I Finally Just Saw The Tourist!


You know, the bizarre costarring vehicle for lippy Angelina Jolie and owlish Johnny Depp, and I can’t believe it not only didn’t sweep the Razzie Awards for 2010, it wasn’t even nominated!

Someone had to have been paid off!

(Which would also explain its Golden Globe nominations for Picture, Actor, and Actress.)

I won’t even get into the plot, which is a labyrinthine bunch of twists about a glamorous lady who picks a decoy who might not actually be a decoy, the goal being to keep hidden money away from nasty people who want it.

But the acting!

The two leads are comatose!

They say every line with such relentlessly low energy you struggle to remain conscious (which is way more than they can say).

In fact, there’s one shot towards the end where Angelina looks like either she’s become a mannequin or has totally died (though her makeup looks flawless, I have to admit).

The direction must have been “Less!” because Jolie and Depp mumble every word, alternating between speaking syllables so slowly they lose meaning or throwing them away so quickly you have no idea what the fuck they just said.

“Of course I feel like…” [mumble, mumble, noise, mumble, vacant stare].

“And I…” [mumble, snort, grunt, chortle, snore, mumble, glazed look].

In between these non utterances, there are long patches of silence, which are actually pretty welcome because at least you’re not desperately trying to read lips for a change.

She’s supposed to be British, by the way, which is a riot unto itself.

And he looks so weird without his usual trappings that, without a piratey, Willy Wonka-ish, Mad Hatter-type, Barnabus Collins-ish getup, his appearance is positively shocking.

Like an owl, as I believe I mentioned before.

While Venice does look shimmering, a climactic speedboat battle in three feet of water is as absurdly non dramatic as everything else.

By the end, I felt “This Tourist should not have brought a camera.”

But it’s pretty!

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