Tesco Vee has stretched his bawdy bile over three decades now as leader of the Meatmen, the Hate Police, and a few other concerns his lawyer would rather we not talk about. Whipping up face-slapping punk rock while juggling numerous onstage props—dildos, nun outfits, bloody rubber chickens, and more dildos—his black n’ blue humor is almost warmly reassuring in the post-Green Day era of radio punk with the highest goal of getting on the soundtrack of a bromance. Lest ye forget, Tesco also started the uber-influential Touch and Go fanzine way back when. And there’s a bobblehead of him!
Mainly, though, he aims to consistently dis-please your more sensitive friends while you’re standing there stiffling a beer spit-take during Meatmen gigs, like the one tonight at Europa. Let’s let him count down some of his favorites and least favorites.
Top Five Reasons Anyone Should Go See the Meatmen
1. Cuz we provide the best return on investment for your entertainment doubloons with a Hades-meets-Las Vegas punk rock floorshow featuring confetti bombs, giveaway banners, guys in custom Speedos… you name it!
2. Cuz we deliever a cavalcade of USDA Grade A hits, culled from the last 33 years of Meatdom and condensed into a one-hour maelstrom of punk/metal/flamenco/comedy genre style fury!
3. Cuz we ain’t no lukewarm retro rehash has-beens from the bygone days of hardcore. We keep it real and real topical with new songs like “Kill Kunt Koulter” about our least favorite right-wing pundit and other brand spankin’ new opuses!
4. Cuz this lineup is screaming on all twelve cylinders and is undoubtedly the finest assemblage of henchman I hath ever assembled. To put it succinctly for you numbnuts, WE ROCK!
5. Cuz I’m the godamn Dutch Hercules, and I said so!!
Top Five Reasons People Should Stay the Hell Away from a Meatmen Show
1. If you are squeamish about songs regarding poop and boners.
2. If are a right wing Republican Nazi.
3. If you are a religious zealot who believes there is a sexy bearded white guy in the clouds that is watching over you.
4. If you prefer sitting on your wheelchair butts and watching YouTube clips with dreadful audio.
5. If you are a lame piece of shit who doesn’t want to see a real Punk Rock band. NOOOO! Enough of this happy horsecock! Toss your predilections, pull out your lavender stone-washed 80’s jeans, and slap on that holy Dead Boys shirt that somehow used to fit your now ballooned-out frame, and get your ass to the Europa to see a real band on Aug 31!
Top Five Things Tesco Vee Does on a Friday Night When Not on Tour
1)Hang out with a Sapphire on the rocks in my swimmingly delicious Toy Museum, which is jam-packed with pop culture artifacts from the last 50 years. Mondo Robot collection along with Weird Ohs, Rat Fink, Munsters, Addams Family, Man from U.N.C.L.E., Get Smart. I’m a toy nerd, yes, but alas, it’s quite impressive.
2. Go for a ride in my 1959 Ford Galaxie with a tumbler of Sapphire on the rocks, cuz anyone who doesn’t drink and drive is a fucking pussy!
3. Hop on my GSXR 1100 and re-enact my 1985 track “War of the Superbikes” by canyon carving, lane splitting, making old people (even older than me) load their Depends when I cut them off.. all the while sipping Sapphire from a specially engineered chiller helmet that delivers the frosty goodness through a glass straw as I’m shot out of God’s slingshot!
4. Make my daily visit to my underground bunker in an undisclosed location where I tend my crop of high tech strains of indica and sativa.
5. Guzzle Bombay Sapphire.
The Meatmen, “War Of The Superbikes” (live in 2008)
Top Five Albums Tesco Vee Would Have Banned Worldwide
1. Whatever Beatles album “Hey Jude” was on! Hell on Earth is listening to that fucking song.
2. Any and all Nippleback records
3. Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. Great band but overplays on FM have left this platter rendered feckless and flopping.
4. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. I don’t get it.
5. The Chris Gaines album! (Didn’t expect that one, did ya, peckerheads?)
Five New Additions to Tesco Vee’s Prop Box
1. Satan masks. You can never have enough of those. You see, Satan isn’t allowed into Meatmen shows. Combining his overall bad boy hotness with mine would cause all the punters in the audience to burst into flames. So we simulate the presence of Sugar Daddy Lucifer for the sake of our craft. And so we don’t repeat Great White’s little meltdown.
2. X-Ray Specs. Remembeer those little devils you ordered out of the novelty catalogues as kids? I finally perfected the science, and with a great preponderance of young nubiles at Meatmen shows these days, those goggles allow me to creepily check out their chesticles whilst crooning. Actually, you see at my age I dont want to oggle the young uns. It’s the MILFs, GILFs, and GGILFs (Great Grandmas I’d Like to Fuck) that make me lift off the bag. Once in a while they will hoist their halter tops and show us the milk wagons. I like reality, and at my age it’s healthy to want to ogle some meat with some miles on it!
3. My Master Blaster confetti launcher. I was friends with the guy who patented Flutter Fetti that you see at every major sporting event… and Meatmen shows. And I love blasting it in everyone’s face! We have our red, white, and blue loads ready for Europe, if ya get my drift.
4. My super duper offensive banners I chuck out to the crowd! Just another way the Meatmen give back to the Punk Rock Community.
5. You’ll just have to come to the show and find out, fuck nuts!
Worst Mishap with Props On Stage
I had a ping-pong ball machine gun back in the ’90s that fired like 50 balls in 10 seconds. One cold and rainy night in Portland, Maine, I was getting ready to deliver the goods (best thing was watching them bounce off peoples’ foreheads—five of ’em before they could even move!). Well on this night there was a loud BAM, and the end of the gun blew off and nailed a girl at the back of the room in the forehead. She came up after the show bleeding like a stuck hog and said, “I want five shirts or I’ll sue.” I said “Which design there, sweetcheeks?”
I happened upon a trunk of real stage pyro at a yard sale in Virginia. I mean it had it all Flame cannons, concussion mortars, wiring, and harnesses—$20 for all! So what did I do? Take it on tour! No license or trained pyrotechnician. We had a blast with that trunk of shit!
The Meatmen play at Europa tonight.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on August 31, 2012