Broadway Musicals I Never Want To See


And yet I can smell them coming…

Bluesies: A scaled-down version of Newsies starring the Blue Man Group, this show won’t have any singing (the guys never make a sound) and zero dancing (they’re always carrying large, cumbersome tubes), but oh, those facial expressions!

Pussy: From the makers of Cock comes the musical tale of a young lesbian who strays from her older lover, performed as a thrilling catfight-in-the-round. Andrew Lloyd Webber scores, Julie Taymor directs, and at least the Times will print the title.

The Diary of Annie Warbucks: What would happen if cute Little Orphan Annie was mysteriously transposed back to a horrible time in world history? That’s what happens in this touching yet upbeat new musical, as Annie keeps her fingers crossed while singing about “Tomorrow.” Tasteless? That’s what they said about Springtime For Hitler.

The Gershwins’ Oklahoma!: No, George and Ira didn’t actually write this classic musical, but somehow the Gershwin estate has managed to seize credit for it, so that’s the official new title! You’ll enjoy this version–it’s much shorter.

Starland: The Musical: Remember the Starland Vocal Band, those one-hit-wonder purveyors of the classic ’70s pop tune “Afternoon Delight”? Well, they’re back with this jukebox show, where that one song–performed many times over the course of two and a half hours–will comprise the score to the completely original story of a girl wondering which of three middle-aged men is her father. Also known as The Gershwins’ Starland: The Musical.

Willy Loman and the Chocolate Factory:
Arthur Miller meets Roald Dahl in this rollicking tuner about a fired salesman who lands a new job running a candy-filled wonderland where he teaches tough-love lessons to vulnerable children. When the price of chocolate goes up, Willy throws himself into a vat of melted Hershey bars and kills himself.

And so will I if any of these shows actually happen!

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