Live-Blogging The 2012 Video Music Awards: We Are Never Ever Ever Gonna Use Tonight As A Bellwether


Has the live-blog been obliterated by Twitter? Let’s find out on MTV’s biggest night of the year, the Video Music Awards, which this year will feature Taylor Swift (in business casual on the double-decker red carpet right now), Frank Ocean, Rihanna, and Green Day, among others, as well as honors to various clips designed to big-up the biggest pop tracks of the year.

7:59 p.m. My pal Jim Cantiello is giving out the award for “Most Share-Worthy Video,” which goes to One Direction over Justin Bieber in a teenpop heat.

7:59 p.m. Sway just inadvertently said “I can’t wait to get inside One Direction.” That’s what she said, amirite?

8:00 p.m. Rihanna rises from the floor on a chair. First words: “I want you to be my sex slave.” Isn’t this fact implied by this point?

8:01 p.m. For someone who’s so constantly turned on, Rihanna sure is a lackadaisical dancer. All that sex is pretty tiring.

8:02 p.m. And A$AP Rocky has your first unbleeped “motherfucker” of the night. Hooray!

8:03 p.m. Rihanna is zombie-walking through the crowd and singing “We Found Love.” American Idol and other reality-singing-show hopefuls who want to audition with this track: Let her backup-singer-saved performance serve as a warning to you.

8:05 p.m. Balloons! Falling from the season! Even though it’s only the first performance of the night!

8:06 p.m. Drake is already surly; Lil Wayne is already bored.

8:12 p.m. It’s probably convenient that my computer died during Kevin Hart’s disastrous monologue, which started off with a “little people” gag and afterwards recycled more gossip blogs’ jokes than a Great Retro Hilarity Compendium collection.

8:13 p.m. Katy Perry moving on to the “fake accent” portion of her career.


8:14 p.m. Seriously, that monologue was ouchie. There’s a reason, I suspect, that I kept thinking of Kevin “Big Sexy” Nash every time I heard the name “Kevin Hart.”

8:16 p.m. One Direction’s “What Makes You Beautiful” wins Best Pop Video. Is one of them morphing into JC Chasez right before our eyes?

8:19 p.m. So the “voted on by you the fans” aspect of tonight means there’s no way that we don’t see a One Direction sweep, which I suppose is OK since at the very least they’re the superior boy band to The Wanted. Still, it would be nice to see “We Are Young” win something. Sound of the City is a pro-fun. blog!

8:21 p.m. P!nk Cover Girl ad. I should let you know that her new album arrived in my inbox last night and it is awesome, probably my favorite pop album of the year. Nate Ruess! Lily Allen! A song celebrating slut binges! I am all in.

8:24 p.m. Dwight Howard is very tall. I don’t really like the Lakers very much.

8:25 p.m. Lil Wayne: Awake for the sports joke! Even though it was just a “lol tall” gag.

8:26 p.m. I just got a haircut. Apparently I went totally… wait are the audience members holding up light-up pink tacos?

8:27 p.m. Pink just wants to fly. And this song does bite its guitar from “Float On.”


8:29 p.m. I guess I could have made a “Rocky Horror with an Andy Dick cameo” joke there too, since no fewer than 10 mentions of Andy Dick showed up on my Twitter timeline when the drummer got his first bit of camera time.

8:30 p.m. Demi Lovato has turned into Kate Winslet!

8:31 p.m. Best Male Video: Chris Brown, “Turn Up The Music.” How whiny and “hater”-focused will his acceptance speech be? Let’s find out!

8:33 p.m. Maybe he’s saving the bitching for speech number two.

8:34 p.m. California Wives clip that’s an ad for Sharpie and that looks like it was beamed in from the last half hour of a 1992 120 Minutes episode. BRAND SYNERGIES YOU GUYS

8:38 p.m. Kevin Hart not really verbally dextrous enough to pull off a “Who’s On First” routine by himself.

8:38 p.m. Ah MTV copywriters, I know you have to be nice, but Frank Ocean, while talented, doesn’t really “defy convention” in a sonic way. Come on.

8:39 p.m. Is this stage setup supposed to represent Coachella?

8:40 p.m. Nice falsetto there though.

8:43 p.m. That was a fairly solid performance. Curious to see if the current R&B-hostile environment will allow it to be anything resembling a hit.

8:45 p.m. The number of pretaped skits on this broadcast is a testament to Kevin Hart’s hosting “skills,” by which I mean they don’t exist.

8:48 p.m. Later… With Jools Holland on Palladia is a good luck.

8:49 p.m. The condom company is sponsoring the 3-D simulcast. 2012!

8:50 p.m. OK, “I seek out emotionally unavailable partners, huh?” is a pretty Real Talk line.

8:51 p..m. Cool, two of the most unappealing personalities in pop have won awards and it isn’t even 9 yet! WHERE’S KATY PERRY’S MOONMAN

8:53 p.m. Meaningful Rihanna Reaction Shot After Drake Talks About Being Bullied

8:55 p.m Alicia Keys ad for… uh, something. Whatever, the synergy between sponsors and featured artists tonight is tight.

8:59 p.m. Time for lots of boyband-directed screaming! Do you think One Direction have had their backstage sesh with the Biebs yet?

9:01 p.m. The Unimpressed Gymnast Looks Unimpressed So She’ll Show Up On Blogs Tomorrow

9:03 p.m. Cool, a “merkin on a fat chick” joke. You can hear a pin drop in the arena.

9:04 p.m. Rebel Wilson and Kevin Hart should fire all the VMA writers.

9:05 p.m. Nicki Minaj’s “Starships” wins Best Female Video. TAKE THAT PETER ROSENBERG. Also: she’s totally playing Surprised Taylor Swift.

9:05 p.m. Making the funny voice then leaving abruptly = Amazing. LOVE YOU NICKI.

9:11 p.m. Lady Gaga’s perfume ad: What if “Bad Romance” was actually about Big Oil?

9:13 p.m. Well, here’s The Artist Formerly Known As Tity Boi. I wish Lloyd was here to sing “Bang!!!” Also because then I could find out who Salo is.

9:14 p.m. Here’s Lil Wayne, bringing Jamz back and sounding like he’s lipsyncing? I don’t even know.

9:16 p.m. OK, now he’s rapping. And he’s doing a song off Dedication 4! And every shot of Rihanna and Katy Perry makes me flash back uncomfortably the mean girls table in high school!

9:19 p.m. Janelle Monáe’s Cover Girl ad, on the other hand, makes me very happy.

9:23 p.m. GAGNAM STYLE *sits back and watches twitter feed flip out*

9:25 p.m. Green Day performing Dan Deacon style, in the middle of the crowd. This song is pretty OK.

9:28 p.m. Kind of a bummer that the Token Rock Slot didn’t go to fun.

9:28 p.m. Guys, remember the “Alive” video?

9:29 p.m. Putting the “RIP MCA” bit after Green Day felt a little bit… demographically ghettoizing? I’m just saying.

9:31 p.m. Also, this:

9:34 p.m. “Now trending: Rihanna loves Katy.” Ugh just go make out and blow up in a puff of smoke

9:34 p.m. Wow RPattz is druuuuunk. Also where is Kristen?

9:35 p.m. FREE KSTEW

9:35 p.m. I don’t really give a bite-scar about Twilight but she is being misogynistically railroaded in a horrific way.

9:37 p.m. Ke$ha I miss you SO SO SO MUCH

9:37 p.m. Well we’ve officially reached the point in the night where everyone’s drunk. Also, the way that Ke$ha said “Call Me Maybe” is making me think that she needs to do a cover/parody/reaction/SOMETHING song soon.

9:39 p.m. One Direction win Best New Artist. If Internet voting was allowed, they’d be President come January 20, CONSTITUTIONALITY BE DAMNED.

9:45 p.m. They’re gymnasts, not TelePrompTer readers. And now they are introducing Alicia Keys.

9:46 p.m. Some thoughts on “Girl On Fire”: 1, this is not “Wannabe” in the pantheon of Girl Power Anthems; 2, drumbeat totally lifted from “Fix Up Look Sharp” and now I want a Dizzee Rascal run-in; 3, the way Alicia Keys sings “doooowwwwwwwwwwn” makes me think that she’s taking the piss throughout the song.

9:48 p.m. Nicki looking down like she’s Eminem. And now Gabby is illustrating Nicki’s verse with some flips! Girl power!

9:55 p.m. Kevin Hart thanking the people in the stands. Perhaps this is why my throwing shade at him inspired 16-year-olds on Twitter to tell me to shut up?

9:55 p.m. Kevin Hart explaining a joke. Perhaps this is why I don’t think he’s very funny right now?


9:56 p.m. Ugh that Rihanna video. And she walks up in a white dress, all like, “yeah, I know, I’m great.”

9:57 p.m. Obligatory Drake Reaction Shot.

9:57 p.m. Nice of her to thank her glam squad, though.

9:58 p.m. Taylor Swift’s “I listen to Françoise Hardy” fashion style is … wait are those furries?

10:00 p.m. Raise your hand if you thought that video glitch was going to lead into a Kanye appearance.

10:02 p.m. And Taylor very briefly and prissily crowdsurfs to close it out. That’s a wrap, everybody! I think!

10:02 p.m. Wow, yeah, that’s it. Uh, well, OK then! Remember to vote, everybody!