If Sally Field Wins Her Third Oscar…


Can you imagine the speech?

“The first time I won, I thought it was a nice gesture on your part and you were basically rewarding me for giving it the old Hollywood try, but I wasn’t actually sure if you liked me.

“You know, really liked me.

“Well, the second time totally cemented it, and I was beside myself because I knew for a fact that you were handing me the honor because you did like me!

“You really, really liked me!

“And I was really, really glad to know that you really, really–what’s the word?–liked me!

“It’s just so gratifying to know you’re really, really liked by your peers–or by really, really anyone, actually!

“It just felt so really, really, really, really, really real.

“And now this!

“You’ve given me my third golden boy!

“And three time’s the charm, honey.

“I mean, you must REALLY freakin’ adore me!

“You obviously want to have my babies!

“You clearly want to crawl up my crevices and come back out through my tonsils and then crawl back up again!

“You want to BE me!

“You want to pin me down, pound me, slap me around till I beg you to keep going, and then make me write bad checks.

“You are so hot for mama!

“You people really, really, really, really love my ass!

“I mean really, really, really, really, really, really, really LOOOOOOVE my ass!

“Anyway, I’d like to thank Steven Spielberg, Mary Todd Lincoln, and God.

“Good night.”