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Up until election night, there was a legitimate, widespread fear that President Obama was going to lose the 2012 election. Liberals were pissed; many even spoke about moving to Canada, or Australia, or Britain, or any place that wasn’t the United States but where people still spoke English.
Then came the Jeep bounce and the Sandy/Christie bounce, and Obama did exactly what Nate Silver said Obama was going to do, destroying challenger Mitt Romney in a lopsided race to 270 electoral votes, finishing with a total 332 to Romney’s 206. Conservatives panicked and many spoke about moving to Canada, or Australia, or Britain, until they looked the destinations up on Wikipedia and realized that nationalized healthcare, women’s rights and the like exist there, too.
So some brave, pioneering, conservative souls did the next best thing and said, “Fuck it, we’re gonna secede.”
Very official-looking petitions started popping up on whitehouse.gov from various states asking to be allowed to break from the country. Shockingly, a New York petition was drafted on Saturday by some guy from North Dakota. Its heading was, sic: “Peacefully grant the State of New York to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government.” There are already over 3,000 signatures, though the website says to “require a response, a petition must reach 25,000 signatures within 30 days.”
Here’s the body of the petition:
As the founding fathers of the United States of America made clear in the Declaration of Independence in 1776:
“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.”
“…Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and institute new Government…”
The petition itself is actually a boilerplate that’s actually copied and pasted from like petitions from states around the country, though there are a couple outliers. One Georgia petition states, “just like in 1860 the south secede from the union. 2012 the state of georgia would like to withdraw from the USA.” The Texas petition calls out “blatant abuses of their rights such as the NDAA, the TSA, etc.” because these days, removing your shoes at airports to prevent a repeat of 9/11 is an attack on American liberty.
Nineteen other states have petitioned for secession: Arkansas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Missouri, Tennessee, Michigan, Colorado, Texas, Oregon, New Jersey, North Dakota, Montana, Louisiana, Indiana, Mississippi, Kentucky, Florida, Alabama, and Georgia.
Georgia and Missouri each have two petitions asking to secede, because of course, and Texas and Louisiana, the first states to launch petitions, boast over 15,000 and 12,000 respective signatures. Because of course.
There are a few other petitions floating around. Most people are just asking to smoke weed in public, but there’s also a petition with 12,500 signatures called “Recount the election!” Worth a shot, we think. Maybe the 3.3 million votes that Romney lost by got lost somewhere in the shuffle.