How do you keep from making an utter fool of yourself?
I’m talking about the kind of crush that’s zany and unrealistic and you don’t think will ever amount to anything real–and you might not even want it to.
But when you see the person, you stutter and stammer and turn beet red while trying to act cute as a button and utterly irresistible, hoping against hope that your heart palpitations will become mutual.
In the process, you come off like a pathetic loser and get time-tunneled right back to the junior high cafeteria all over again, where your low self-esteem is spelled out in the meat loaf that spilled on your shirt.
It’s hugely embarrassing!
So my advice is to tuck your crush between your legs and avoid that person at all cost.
If you see them, run the other way like they’re a gay Republican.
Nothing good can possibly come of the one-way flirtation except that you’ll humiliate yourself further, while clinging to the distant thought that you should feast on this sad fantasy for more months and even years.
Instead, you should be reading books and cleaning your apartment.
And if you do find yourself face to face with the object of your affection, for some reason–like you’re stalking them–simply picture a pile of manure instead of their beautiful features, then hold your nose and flee.
Believe me, it’s for the best.
You’ll never be the person you want them to think you are, and besides, they’re far from the person you think they are.
When the poignant reality finally steps on the unrealistic flight of fancy, a crush can really crush you.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on December 5, 2012