The Glorious Absurdity of Celebrity Poetry


I talked about it as a guest at Molly Equality Dykeman‘s show at the Laurie Beachman.

Molly (the zany yet slightly dazed comic creation of Andrea Alton) is a lesbian traffic guard slash poet who I feel is the new Emily Dykenson, or perhaps a nouveau Vadge-inia Woolf.

And she gamely gave me the green light to read some snippets of star-created (per) verse onstage.

After all, today’s celebs don’t want to direct, like in the old days. The new cliche is “I want to write poetry!”

Here are some of the lyrical highlights of what I recited (plus some extra ones I threw in, for celebu-verse’s sake):

“There’s a goat in my ass,

“Living mainly on grass.

“They say the creature was stolen,

“Yet he feeds on my colon.”–CHARLIE SHEEN

A poem for Frank Ocean:

“Be fearless/be honest/be generous/be brave/be poetic/be open/be free/be yourself/be in love/be happy/be inspiration.”–BEYONCE

“You fill me with your love

“You fill me with your caring

“You fill me with your thoughts

“You fill me with your sharing”–LEONARD NIMOY

“Quietly they devour each other.

“Grateful spasms, violent motion of interlocking, clawing, taunting”–VIGGO MORTENSEN

“And just when we lost all hope

“Cagney and Lacey showed up

“They cuff the pimp

“They free the girl

“Marybeth and Christine

“Would never be friends with a pimp”–ROSIE O’DONNELL

“I am not from here.
My hair smells of the wind
And is full of constellations
And I move about this world
With a healthy disbelief
And I approach my days and my work
With vaporous consequence
A touch that is translucent
But can violate stone.”–JEWEL

“I am celebrating my love for you with a pint of beer and a new tattoo.
Imagine there’s no heaven.

“I don’t know if you’re loving somebody. To be a poet and not know the trade, to be a lover and repel all women.

“Twin ironies by which great saints are made, the agonizing pincer-jaws of heaven.

“If you can walk with crowds and keep your virtue, walk with kings but not lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, if all men count with you, but none too much.

“Yours is the earth and everything that’s in it and what’s more, you’ll be a man.

“It’s only words, and words are all I have to take your breath away.”–RUSSELL CROWE

“To muster up courage when you’re flustered

“To stumble on the words you prepare

“Don’t worry about the money that went down the drain

“Because the best things in life are free”–ED WESTWICK

Poetic, no?