It’s been a hell of a year for conservatives, so naturally it’s been a flaming, bloody hell of a year for our subjects the rightbloggers.
If this is the sort of thing that gladdens your heart, then sit by the fire and let us brighten your holiday season by reviewing, month by month, the rightblogger calendar of failure in 2012:
January: Charles Murray gives proletariat lessons
It had been a long time since Murray’s most famous book
Niggers are Stupid The Bell Curve made him a conservative hero, so he was overdue for another big score. In January 2012 he released Coming Apart, which explained that economic differences between classes of white people (black people he’d long ago given up on) had nothing to do with trickle-down economics or the exportation of blue-collar jobs, but were instead about culture: Poor whites stopped making a decent wage on account of they were living in sin, and also lazy, because The Sixties.
“The best thing that the new upper class can do to provide that reinforcement” low-class proles needed to reform themselves “is to drop its condescending ‘nonjudgmentalism,'” Murray told readers of the Wall Street Journal. “…When it comes to marriage and the work ethic, the new upper class must start preaching what it practices.” To this end Murray circulated a quiz to show his proposed upper-class evangelists how little they knew about the rednecks they’d be called upon to educate: “Have you ever had a close friend who was an evangelical Christian?” and “Have you ever watched an Oprah, Dr. Phil, or Judge Judy show all the way through?” were among the questions.
Puzzling as this test would be for ordinary people of whatever class, it was a perfect Rorschach for rightbloggers, who bragged on the evidence it gave that they knew all about the common man, or sulked when it showed that their taste was too highbrow or their beer too fancy. The big brains at Power Line giddily compared scores (“I have watched one full episode of Oprah: the episode in the 2000 campaign when George W. Bush was on”); David French at National Review boasted of his (“If my father weren’t a professor, I would have been nearly-perfect on the ‘keepin’ it real’ scale”); Ilya Somin of The Volokh Conspiracy was pissed he scored low and sniffed, “I would also have achieved a higher score if there were more sports-related questions.”
In retrospect, this turned out to be a harbinger of the conservative collapse in 2012, as the defection of ordinary Americans from their cause left rightbloggers stumped — how could they lose, after cramming so hard for the test?
February: The Ft. Sumter of the War on Women
While Mitt Romney was duking it out with Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and other such Presidential timber for the GOP nomination, rightbloggers were mostly engaged in another contest: Penis vs. Vagina. They were strong supporters of the former, and very, very, very strong opponents of the latter.
When the Susan G. Komen for the Cure withdrew support from Planned Parenthood, the firestorm so badly battered the foundation that it seemed rightbloggers were its only remaining friends. They were also among the few supporters of the Virginia GOP legislators who wanted women who went for abortions to be forced to have wands shoved up inside them. And when everyone else was disgusted by Rush Limbaugh’s attacks on the then little-known Sandra Fluke, rightbloggers cheered lustily, or with whatever they have instead of lust.
That some people disagreed with them made rightbloggers angry and defensive. At the Wall Street Journal, James Taranto offered this interesting defense: “Contemporary feminism is, as we recently argued, a totalitarian ideology, by which we mean one that tolerates no divergence between the personal and the political. If you are not a feminist, you can enjoy a lifestyle of sexual freedom and also take seriously the idea that sexual freedom is bad for society. If you are a feminist, that is a thoughtcrime.” Which is rather like saying that if a black conservative endorsed civil rights for himself but not for other black people, that’d be cool, but any black person who took offense would be a totalitarian.
At National Review Andrew C. McCarthy raged against the contraception mandate: “If there were enough months in the year, you could have two second-trimester abortions for less than I spend on pizza — to say nothing of flat-screen TVs, iPods, X-boxes and the scores of other extravagances that the ‘poor’ in America manage to score without government mandates.” Looks like McCarthy had a vision of Moocher Bitches and the Moocher Poor banding together to reelect Obama; if National Review goes under, maybe he can get a job in a carnival as a fortune teller.
March: Trayvon Martin revives the old Ooga-Booga
As we’ve seen, rightbloggers have adopted the idea that America’s black people serve as shock troops for Barack Obama and international socialism, and will riot and kill Whitey at his command. This belief guides them toward a foregone conclusion any time a black person and a white person are in conflict — as was shown when George Zimmerman shot dead an unarmed Trayvon Martin.
Along with a general presumption that the gunless black kid had it coming, there were attempts to divert the blame to the black community, who were presumed to be the real racists. Jonah Goldberg of National Review told us that the high-class black people who complained about Martin’s death “are as removed from lower class black America as many white commentators are from lower class white America,” an insight Goldberg proudly announced he’d gotten from Charles Murray. Goldberg added that “more whites are killed by blacks than blacks killed by whites,” the relevance of which to the Martin case, best as we can make out, might be that black people owed white people a freebie.
When people reacted badly to this kind of talk, rightbloggers pouted that black people didn’t “get” them. Dan Riehl, for instance, was deeply wounded by “the race-based ignorance of so many blacks I’m seeing in attacking me, when they should be criticizing the media, instead… Their minds haven’t been freed, all that’s changed is the owners of the plantation.” Amazingly, black people weren’t convinced by this line of argument to vote Republican — which was further proof of their racism.
April: Obama eats dogs!
Sometimes rightbloggers promote conservative ideas that have some traction with the general population. But sometimes they embrace notions that have no meaning outside their bubble. When the Daily Caller’s Jim Treacher noticed a passage in Dreams From My Father in which Obama mentioned eating dog meat while in Indonesia, Treacher teased it out, and for days it was all any rightblogger could talk about.
Some of the brethren pretended outrage: “If these liars on the left really cared about dogs like they claim they do,” spurted Donald Douglas, “they’d be even more upset at Obama than they would at Romney,” who had after all only strapped a dog to the roof of a car. But most used it as a joke — “joke” in this case meaning a strenuous effort to replicate the human custom of “humor,” which the brethren believe to be a tool of Alinsky subversion they must learn to use in order to loosen the death-grip Democrats hold on America’s funnybone.
Among the more prolific comedians was Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit, who sent out several dispatches like this one: “DOG-GATE: Joe Scarborough Loses It Laughing Over News That Obama Has Eaten Dog Meat. Somehow I’m reminded of the mutant dad in The Hills Have Eyes: ‘What’s the matter? Dog not good enough for ya?’ Related: Dreams From My Schnauzer… Heh. This just keeps getting funnier.” If you’re not laughing it’s because you’re a communist.
May: Obama backs gay marriage
When President Obama backed gay marriage, rightbloggers thought: Aha! we’ve tied Obama to the females and the blacks; now he’s picking up gays! Romney’s sure to win!
Actually a lot of them seemed less sanguine than that — not because they feared America would be harmed by gay marriage (come on, did anyone ever believe that?), but because it was beginning to dawn on them that the usual hate-all-minorities schtick was not the draw it used to be, and that Obama was surfing the tide of history.
Catholic rightblogger The Anchoress harrumphed, “I dare say it’s the Catholics who are saying the most interesting, compelling and thoughtful things about homosexuality, life, love and faith right now,” and then ran a tape of some guy who went on about how gays are “more intensely loved by God than most others,” because they are “victim souls” who “suffer in a way more exacting than the rest of us” with “the cross of homosexuality.”
If you found that “interesting, compelling and thoughtful,” you’ll love Aaron Goldstein of The American Spectator, who claimed Obama was actually planning to lose the election and use gay marriage as his excuse, “to position him[self] for a comeback in 2016 or 2020… By that time with a greater presence of voters born after 1980 chances are there will be more voters in favor of gay marriage which would give Obama an opportunity to claim he was ahead of the curve.” Yet another Obama failure, alas; he’s probably kicking himself for not backing polygamy instead.
June: Supreme Court upholds Obamacare
The brethren’s butthurt was palpable on this one. At National Review Avik Roy claimed Chief Justice Roberts, hungry for the approbation of the New York Times, had been “blackmailed by left-wing editorialists.” When Paul Krugman approved the decision, Timothy P. Carney tweeted, “Krugman talks of a more decent society… by the end you suspect he means one where all conservatives are killed.”
They did see a silver lining, though: Daniel Fisher of Forbes thought the decision was “likely to be a boon for presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, who can now campaign even more vigorously on a platform of repealing the unpopular law…” “So far, it’s good news for Mitt Romney,” said Ed Morrissey of Hot Air. “Thursday’s USSC decision upholding ObamaCare’s individual mandate as constitutional has served one positive purpose,” said Edward Daley at Renew America, “which is to practically guarantee Barack Obama’s defeat in November.”
July: Aurora, the other gun massacre that meant don’t do anything about guns ever
The shooting of 70 people in Colorado set up a wet run for rightblogger reactions to the Newtown shooting, with pretty much exactly the same themes: For example, Jeff Goldstein of Protein Wisdom accused gun control advocates of (what else) only caring about “how can [they] use this tragedy politically,” and offered his own preventive measure: “law abiding citizens with revolvers or semi-auto… Stock up on guns and ammo. And do not let them get away with the kind of post-Columbine crackdown on the Second Amendment they’re most certainly already planning to angle for.” So far his plan seems to have worked.
August: The battle of Chick-fil-A
Rightbloggers rejoiced that ordinary citizens — in what numbers, no one was able to say — went to Chick-fil-A one day solely to show support for the chain’s opposition to gay marriage. It was a giddy time: Jesus blogger Mollie Hemingway of Get Religion bragged that she might have gotten a guy fired for making anti-protesters comments on Facebook, which is what strong popular movements do, right? That’ll teach him to claim an anti-gay protest was about “hatred“!
Later the brethren tried something similar on behalf of Papa John’s anti-Obamacare pseudopizza chain. 2012 will go down in history as the year cramming one’s maw with crap fast food became the Tea Party’s favorite protest mode. Now patriots will have a new crop of health-related reasons to use Medicare-funded mobility scooters.
September: Benghazi, the game changer that wasn’t
“CHAOS AT THE STATE DEPT?” “Team Obama Tweets While America’s Embassies Burn,” etc. — yes, this at last was the scandal that would rip the scales from America’s eyes and defenestrate Obama. Unfortunately no one gives a shit about Benghazi, even after the strenuous efforts of the latter-day Woodwards and Bernsteins of Breitbart.com.
They bitch about it to this day. Last week Allen West said absent Secretary of Stater Hillary Clinton had “come down with a case of Benghazi flu.” This is the sort of talk that has made the West the Republican Party success story he is — and, come to think of it, has done the same for the Republican Party itself.
October: Unskewed polls show Romney rout
When things didn’t go so well for them on Election Day, rightbloggers developed a new plan for the Republican Party: They should treat the newly powerful Hispanic voters as potential foreign enemies; speak out on black oppression of whites, and — as if that weren’t outreach enough — tell women that Obama’s their real enemy because he tried to make that token Susan Rice Secretary of State, and then was chauvinistic enough to defend her. Electoral gold!
December: More of the same
We got another terrible gun massacre, and even more ridiculous excuses from rightbloggers. When NRA prez Wayne LaPierre made his counterproposal to the gun control everyone now seemed to want — armed guards in every school in America — even Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post momentarily debarked the crazy train. But most rightbloggers stood their ground, so to speak, telling us that the real problem wasn’t LaPierre’s detachment from reality, but the liberal media.
Daniel Halper explained at the Weekly Standard that some TV talking head who was mean to LaPierre has a kid who goes to school with Obama’s kids, so they probably have Secret Service protection, so the talking head is a hypocrite. At Instapundit, Glenn Reynolds said reporters’ antipathy to guns had “a race/class angle,” by which we assume he meant that the liberal media was directing blacks on behalf of Obama to steal everyone’s guns so they can bring back Reconstruction.
Long before Ann Althouse denounced Andrew Sullivan as a hypocrite for “boasting that his ‘Enough!’ post ‘has just blown up on Facebook” because “he’s so sensitive about those terrible guns, but his metaphor of choice is explosion,” it was clear that most of them had given up arguing entirely and were just trying to create a distraction.
To sum up, these guys had major clues dropped on them throughout 2012, yet they show no sign of changing — even though the world around them is. But look on the bright side: Who doesn’t love a fish-out-of-water comedy? Happy 2013, readers, and don’t worry, we’ll never run out of material.