What I Got For Christmas


Santa was extra generous this year!

Here are some of the kitsch treasures he bequeathed me with:

Homework, a sublimely trashy film with Joan Collins as “Sheila’s mother,” a horny lady who pounces on the ass of a teen boy who’s classmates with her daughter. The film is filled with gratuitous sex flashbacks, lurid fantasies, and body-double encounters. The result makes Dynasty look like Zero Dark Thirty.

Elmo’s World–a video of “everyone’s favorite three-year-old” singing and telling jokes. Yes, the Elmo guy had his hand up a three year old all those years!

Suzanne Somers’ The Sexy Years: Discover the Hormone Connection (The Secret to Fabulous Sex, Great Health and Vitality, For Men and Women). The extraordinarily long title helps put off the fact that your orgasm might not be coming any time soon.

Plus no fewer than three Ann-Margret movies (including Following Her Heart, a TV movie directed by Lee Grant in which Ann plays Ingalill Lundquist, “a musically-talented, newly-widowed Swedish-American housewife who heads to Nashville to take a chance on country music.” Watching it, you’re torn between cries of “Ya” and “Go-olly!”)

Also, two Ruth Roman movies. (A personal obsession of my movie club, ever since we saw the good/bad classic The Baby. Flaring-eyed Ruthie always delivers.)

And a scarf, mugs, shower gel, and Aretha’s Young, Gifted, and Black CD.

Thank you, Santa! You do exist, after all.