Really, standing and shivering in Times Square for eight hours without peeing or drinking any alcohol (!) is about the worst way to spend New Year’s that FiTR can think of. Here are five alternatives that will cause your friends to admire you and fill up the evening with good clean fun.
1. Make a tortilla hat with an indentation on top for salsa, then wear it to a New Year’s Party. Encourage your best friends to double dip!
2. Stage a possum drop at midnight in Central Park. The residents of Brasstown, North Carolina, show you how. This video, featuring a string band, a Honey Boo Boo look-alike, and drag queens with beards captures an event that occurs every New Year’s in Brasstown, where a possum is put in a box and dropped at midnight. Much better than a crystal ball in Times Square, and you can drink moonshine, too! (Unfortunately, a lawsuit by PETA has nixed the ceremony this year.)
3. Break dishes against the door of your neighbor’s house or apartment at midnight, the way they do it in Denmark.
4. In Ecuador, women do sexy dances in the street, holding up traffic, then burn effigies of their husbands at midnight on New Year’s [NSFW].
5. Have a New Year’s-resolution party, in which all the guests write their resolutions on little pieces of paper, read at midnight as toasts. The funnier the better, and here are some from the website I Love India:
Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
Don’t eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.
I will always “check for paper” when leaving the restroom.
I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.
I will not bore my boss with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly!
I will try to figure out why I really need nine e-mail addresses.
I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
I will think of a password other than “password.”
Read fewer books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.
Watch more TV. It’s very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.
I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother/sister.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on December 28, 2012