Disabilities Will Permeate The Oscar Nominees


Get sick on screen, cough a little too hard, and you’ve got a nomination all locked up.

Here are some of the frontrunners for nomination consideration, who will suddenly feel much better if they’re announced among the chosen this Thursday.

Marion Cotillard in Rust and Bone (above). The French favorite loses her legs in an accident with a whale. Happens all the time. Fortunately, she learns to be a woman again, to the tune of “Firework”!

Emmanuelle Riva in Amour. A stroke–of bad luck–in her twilight years makes this old lady a candidate for the twilight zone.

Naomi Watts in The Impossible. After a tsunami, mother courage runs around looking for familiar faces, then locates a wonderful oxygen mask. They commune for hours!

Quvenzhane Wallis and Dwight Henry from Beasts of the Southern Wild. After the ice caps melt, this daddy/daughter duo runs around looking for familiar faces, then locates some wonderful oversized prehistoric creatures. For hours!

John Hawkes in The Sessions. An iron lung doesn’t prevent this little journalist/poet from wanting to get his mojo on!

The Intouchables. An aristocrat becomes a quadriplegic after an accident, but hires a wonderfully life-affirming servant who makes everything worthwhile again.

Denzel Washington in Flight. A brilliant pilot who unfortunately has an addiction to booze, drugs, and lying.

And do you want some mental illness?

Well, Sally Field is the disturbed Mary Todd Lincoln, Zero Dark Thirty‘s Jessica Chastain plays a weird CIA operative with no friends, Silver Linings Playbook‘s Jennifer Lawrence is a whack lady prone to bizarre outbursts and questionable behavior, and The Master‘s Joaquin Phoenix is disturbed enough to be a prime candidate for a creepy religious cult.

And let’s not forget Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables. A desperate waif, she finds herself with no back teeth–and no recording studio. Scary!

Congrats to all.