My Weight-Conscious Version of “I Will Survive”

“I Will Survive” was one of the landmark songs of the disco era–an anthem of defiance and strength in the face of one of those horrible men disco songs were always getting dramatic about.

Gloria Gaynor took that ditty to the top of the charts all over the globe with her powerful (yet extremely danceable) rendition.

Well, years ago, I did an act where I put padding under a large dress I wore, and called myself Gloria Gainmore. (True story.)

For mammary’s sake, this is the version I sang of that classic song (one I just might be trotting out again in public very soon, so be careful what you wish for).

“I Will Survive”

By M. Musto

At first I was thin
I was extremely thin
Until the delivery boy with the anchovy pizza walked in
And then I spent so many nights shoving pizza down my face
And I grew big
And honey, I learned to be a pig

And now you’re back
From outer space
You just walked in to see me here with pizza dripping down my face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have thrown away the key
‘Cause now the state of Oklahoma isn’t half as big as me

Go on, now go
My stomach’s sore
Just turn around now
Don’t want pizza anymore
Ain’t you the one who tried to hurt me with desire?
You think I’d crumble
For just one lousy pizza pie?

Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I eat smaller portions, I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to eat, I got all my food to eat
But I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to eat the pieces of that chocolate heart
But then I spent so many nights feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
When I ran out of pizza pie

And you see me
Somebody new
I ain’t that chained up little person always saying “moo!”
And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free
But now I’m saving all my loving for a simple plate of brie

Go on, now go
My stomach’s sore
Just turn around now
Don’t want pizza anymore
Ain’t you the one who tried to hurt me with desire?
You think I’d crumble
For just one lousy pizza pie?

Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I eat smaller portions, I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to eat, I got all my food to eat
But I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey