Tom Cruise Wants To Protect Us From Aliens Living In Our Bodies!


Now we know why Tom Cruise was jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch so emphatically. He was trying to rattle those aliens up inside him and get them to come plopping out!

That must be the same reason he wore assless chaps in Rock of Ages. (And yes, I know “assless chaps” is a redundancy, but I like the sound of it, so hush.)

According to a new book about Scientology, as described by the New York Post, the ultimate mission of Tom and the other Scientologists is to “protect humanity from aliens living in our bodies, who are bent on destroying us and ultimately the planet.”

This is terrifying!

It sounds like a whole new War of the Worlds is going on internally, but hopefully with a more exciting ending.

Maybe Jack Reacher can reach up inside there and get ’em out!