5 Ways to Have the Flu in New York City


The only way you haven’t heard about the flu outbreak is if you are still indoors fighting last year’s flu. It’s here, it’s disgusting, and it’s a big fan of the film Contagion. While a new flu vaccine called “Flublok” was just approved today an FDA spokesperson told the NYTimes that the timing of the approval is unrelated to the current flu season.

However, just because you will most likely get the flu that doesn’t mean you have to do it without flare. Here’s how to do the flu New York-style.

1. Go to Duane Reade
Try to figure out whether the mass of people in front of the registers are on one big, twisting line or four small, straight lines. Listen to the employee who yells, “It’s all one line people.” Then listen to a different employee who chimes, “Next customer!” every four seconds. Despite these two things there is no movement in any direction by any individual comprising the mass of people. Wait there for the rest of your life.

2. Order chicken soup
Wait for an hour. Call the restaurant who swears they sent it. Go outside and look for the delivery person. Call the restaurant again; they are now more annoyed at you than you were at them. Wait another 20 minutes. The delivery person thought you lived on 6th avenue rather than 6th street. Overtip them out of guilt.

3. Go to work
We don’t recommend this at all, in fact we beg you not to, but many New Yorkers continue to do it. That is because here, like anywhere, some people are a-holes. If you must go to work for reasons outside your control wear a face mask. Not a respiratory mask, wear a full-fledged hockey goalie mask. This is because if you go to work with the flu, people will attack you.

4. Visit the Port Authority or any subway station bathroom
Reward: you will likely catch a second, more virulent illness in these places that will attack your flu and force it into submission. Risk: The second illness will most likely turn you into a zombie and your body will roam the earth on what looks like a moving carpet but is actually a live ratking.

5. Drink Orange Juice
Orange juice cannot cure a cold. However, according to CBS local it can speed your recovery by as many as two days. So head to the bodega and pick up some OJ. Stock up now, so you’ll be healthy enough to read the hundreds of other flu-safety tips.