We’re So Over Juice


Welcome back to We’re So Over. At Fork in the Road, we spend a lot of time eating, discussing, and evaluating the foods that we love. This column is dedicated to the other stuff.

“Hey, how was your bathroom break?” is what you might as well say to anyone holding a green juice. Because the thing that makes juice drinkers such shiny, self-satisfied, healthy-looking people isn’t self-discipline. It’s pooping. Juice makes you poop.

It’s not that we don’t like juice. In fact, it’s been the foundation of many of our fondest memories, whether it was apple in boxed form or orange and vodka-based. And we understand the initial allure of juice cleanses. Like everyone else, we flirted with the fat-laden wiles of holiday tables before entirely succumbing to complete, gut-bombing indulgence. Now buttons act as reminders of our lack of willpower and mirrors are just cruel. So the thought that, after three days spent sipping liquid kale, we could emerge as revived, radiant beings (who also happened to reorganize our medicine cabinets and finances) is very appealing.

But — hang on a minute — it’s January! The days are short and cold. So is our patience for crash diets and we’re not buying the idea that forgoing solid food will make us feel like better people. In fact, we know it will literally make us feel like shit.

Have you ever been so hungry that thought of sucking on a raw kale stalk sounds appealing? This is one of the promises of going on a cleanse, that your tastebuds will reset themselves to find they no longer crave things like meat or salt. Of course, if that sort of pleasureless existence appeals to you, you probably also hate puppies. Plus, if we wanted to taste something bitter that just reminded us of our past poor choices, we would’ve stayed home longer over the holidays.

Juicing shouldn’t be a verb (right, Lance?). And in mid-January, when the only thing to look forward to is eating and drinking, it definitely shouldn’t be a meal.