There are a few people–maybe ten–who have yet to hear that Beyoncé Ashlee Simpson’d Barack Obama’s inauguration. These people don’t have access to tumblr or eccentric gay friends. They are still under the illusion that Beyonce is infallible. We pity these people. Because the idea that Beyoncé is perfect is a crippling load to carry. And on inauguration day, it wasn’t just citizens of the United States below the Mason-Dixon Line who were utterly devastated. Beyonce fans were, too. Because it had yet to come out that her performance wasn’t not flawless. Now, we too are free.
– Great Googly Moogly, This Beyonce/Lady Gaga Video For “Telephone”
– Let Us All Now Enjoy “The 10 Most Ridiculous Things About the Beyoncé Experience”
Because the revelation that Beyoncé lip-synched at the inauguration is probably the best pop-culture news we’ve heard since Tiger Woods’ hot wife took a golf club to his car after he hole-in-one’d too many personal lady caddies. It’s impossible to have a perfect life and it’s dangerous to trick people into thinking otherwise. Beyoncé had a good run, and I’m sure she’ll continue to sell records and look sexy and make fake babies with the King of the Illuminati. But it is for the greater good of humankind that her divine-status be stripped just as publicly as her outfits.
Since a bad photograph of Beyonce has never been taken, and she’s never sung an out of tune note, it’s easy to believe Queen Bey is divine. Most people did. You probably did too. Whether it was that time she wore a black leotard and danced or that time she wore a gold dress and danced, you have subconsciously worshipped at the altar of Queen Bey. During a recent cover shoot with GQ magazine that accidentally turned into an interview, Beyonce herself noted that she is “more powerful than [her] mind can even digest and understand.” And on Monday, after diverting the 2012 apocalypse with her hot post-baby bod, and prepping her freshly minted daughter-of-god to marry the spawn of Kimye to continue the legacy, she donned a floor-length black gown complete with velvet sparkle cut-outs and a sheer cape (yes, she had a cape) to steal Obama’s limelight and become the new leader of the free world.
But thanks to the combined efforts of Joe Biden’s facial expressions and a representative of something called the Marine Corps Band, it was revealed that Beyoncé Knowles is, in fact, not infallible. Like every other musical artist from Ke$ha to Whitney Hou$ton, she relied on a pre-recorded vocal track to sing on her behalf. And although many have taken to the streets of Twitter to argue that one lip-synched performance doesn’t mean that she is no longer the best musician in the history of time, this is nothing more than the death rattle of a vast civilization with a once-indefatigable leader.
Perhaps now, the other members of Destiny’s Child (the other what!?) can be released from their cryogenic tombs and be recognized for their own talent and by their own names. Perhaps now, new artists will no longer feel the pressure to be “good” and we can all go back to openly enjoying the shitty songs we’re scared to officially add to our iTunes (I listen to “Thong Song” by Sisqo in my Spotify private sessions often). But the best thing about the entire Beyoncé lip-synching controversy is the fact that, in the end, when everyone goes home and takes their medication and watches the latest episode of The Bachelor, none of this actually matters. This has been a great week for “reality,” because it is the first time in recent history that living in it has bested living outside of it. Way to go, reality (oh, and Kelly Clarkson. She is the unsung–but actually sung–hero of the whole inauguration. She sang some song about America LIVE and it was great but nobody cares about her still. Shout out to Kelly Clarkson!!)
And shout out to you Beyoncé, too. You are not perfect. Thanks you for that.