When you look at Chris Brown, what do you see? A bully with an entourage all too happy to start a dust-up over a perceived slight or a parking space? An emotionally crippled/stunted young man who is the sad victim of the cycle of domestic abuse? A wanton spreader of pink eye? The boo-hooingest crybaby of 2010’s BET Awards? No matter how you view him, one thing is indisputable: Chris Brown can’t stop, won’t stop (throwing punches at people and/or destroying things)! His list of victims keeps growing–Rihanna, the Window at Good Morning America, Drake, His Own Neck, A Cell Phone, and now, Pazz & Jop Champion Frank Ocean. Who or what will be next? If a pattern can be gleaned from his previous spats (and it can) we can attempt an accurate guess. So let’s give that a shot.
If there’s one thing we know Chris Brown can’t take very well it’s criticism. Or reasoned discussion about his horrible actions. Or advice of any kind. He’s proven time and again he’s a selfish Me Me Me’r who will punch or slap or throw a chair against anyone or thing that dares question his actions or gets in his way. Enter Oprah. Back when Chris Brown first turned from Wrigley’s Selling r&b Everyman to his generation’s Ike Turner, Oprah spoke some hard truths to Rihanna about Brown, saying he’d act out again. Oprah being Oprah, she was right, and Chris has gone out of his way to prove he can’t be reformed. Of course, Oprah being Oprah, she will, at some point, smugly go on TV to say “See, I Told You So.” This will get back to Brown via his many Team Breezy Operatives, and next time he’s in Chicago having a 45-course meal at Charlie Trotter’s he will see Oprah across the dining room, fly into an unstoppable rage, and destroy the place, squirting a squeeze bottle of truffle oil onto Oprah’s outfit while punching Stedman in the throat.
A Potted Plant
It was in his way.
For this Tweet. And for having the temerity to use the same last name.
An Old iPhone Charger
For not fitting his new iPhone.
Anderson Cooper When Chris Brown’s fight with Frank Ocean lands him on Cooper’s “Ridicu-list” tonight, Chris Brown books a redeye flight to NYC, cabs it from JFK to the CNN offices at Columbus Circle and the two fight on set. Wolf Blitzer takes a chair to the face just before Candy Crowley and the hologram of Will.i.Am break up the scuffle. Dr. Sanjay Gupta patches up everyone’s wounds. Erin Burnett says something stupid. The bald guy who talks money assesses the damage done to the studio and how much it will cost. Piers Morgan suffers massive head trauma, and dies. No one seems to mind.
Frank Ocean and Drake: both sensitive, introspective men who are more lover than fighter. These are the types of guys Chris Brown likes to start fights with. Dude isn’t fighting Rampage Jackson over a parking space or breaking champagne bottles over the heads of Suge Knight and his boys. The only things Chris Brown requires of those he fights are that they’re 1) Perceived as being weaker 2) Outnumbered or 3) Higher up on the charts or 4) In front of him. Eric Benet doesn’t meet the third criteria, but has 1) and 2) in abundance. That he has no entourage whatsoever means he’s in deep shit next time he becomes 4) and he and Chris Brown find themselves at Vons in Los Angeles grabbing the last can of Progresso Creamy Tomato Basil on the shelf, which both love.
NeNe Leaks of Real Housewives of AtlantaA one-time victim of domestic abuse, NeNe Leakes does a lot of charity work for the issue, even played for a domestic violence charity while on Celebrity Apprentice. She talks often about domestic abuse on red carpets and on Real Housewives of Atlanta, and over time Chris Brown begins to believe she’s taking subtle pot shots at him. One day, while on the set of Glee to confront the cast for not dedicating an episode to his work, Brown sees NeNe, and things become violent.
A Can of Progresso Creamy Tomato Basil Soup
The high fiber in Progresso’s Creamy Tomato Basil soup keeps Chris Brown regular, and primed to shit on the retinas of those who may start an ill-advised Twitter war with him. He loves the stuff, its tangy/creamy combo just the type of comfort he seeks after a long, hard day fighting and punching and kicking and crying and fighting. This particular can– which he fought Eric Benet over at a Vons earlier in the day– is expired. Chris Brown flies into a rage, throws the can through a glass window, breaks a potted plant, and attempts to shit on the retinas of the four handlers who happen to be around him at the time. He is unable to do so without the aid of his soup.
The Entire Cast of Glee
Sure, they did “No Air.” But that hardly counts. Chris Brown wants an entire episode. He also thought they delivered the first line of “No Air”– “If I should die before I wake/ It’s because you took my breath away”– with a wink. Both unacceptable. Both worth a fight.
Every employee at Vons
For selling him a can of expired soup.